“Spike don’t play with girls!” Don’t pretend you don’t know exactly where that line came from. If you were breathing air in the 90s, you loved Little Giants as much as I did. Is there anything better than Junior Floyd tossing toilet paper into shopping carts? My mom totally got mad at me for recreating that scene at our local Giant Eagle when I was six. Busted that move out again during a Costco run in college. Didn’t go over well, but I digress. Ever wonder what happened to all those small-town footballers? Wonder no more.
Becky “Ice Box” O’Shea
Little Miss Football was the backbone of Danny O’Shea’s Giants team. With speed, power and enough sass to give Regina George a run for her money, Becky was a formidable opponent. Well, until she sold out for a cheerleading uniform. But in true badass form, Ice Box saved the day, pleated skirt and all, and led the Giants to an improbable comeback win against the Cowboys.
So, whatever happened to the Beckster, you ask? Well, I should think that would be obvious. She became a professional wrestler, keeping the Ice Box moniker. I hear she even gets rolled into the ring on a dolly and finishes off opponents by freezing them to death. Success!
90s pre-teens, eat your hearts out. Blonde hair, blue eyes and an Aaron Rodgers-esque arm, Junior Floyd was the poster child for youth sports and every young lady’s unattainable crush. Nobody hit shopping carts with individually-wrapped rolls or T.P. quite like J-U-N-I-O-R. Oh, sorry, I was spelling out his name, because, you know, he’s the star quarterback.
Unsurprisingly, Mr. Floyd had a bright future post-Little Giants. Not only did he parlay his epic game into a starting varsity job, he went on to play in college and the pros. A small-town Ohio boy, he ventured to the University of Michigan, where he led the Wolverines with his big arm and flawless coif. Now he can be seen breaking passing NFL records and bedding models. I believe you know him as Tom Brady.
Everyone’s favorite fat kid stoles scenes all day in Little Giants. The king of flatulence even stashed Cheetos in his helmet! Puffed ones! What a guy. While football didn’t quite work out for Zolteck, who didn’t much like working out, he found success much closer to home, as the CEO of Hershey. He gets all the free candy he could ask for and yes, he still uses his helmet as a lunchbox! Rudy Zolteck is living proof there is life after football.
The little engine who could, Tad was undersized, but that didn’t stop him from busting out some ridonculous moves on the field. Tad never did lose that rather large chip on his shoulder, nor did he grow. In spite of his stature, he made it to the dance. He has since changed his name to Wes Welker. Worry not, he’s still the most adorable lil’ sidekick in the NFL!
The O’Shea Brothers
Last, but certainly not least, the O’Shea brothers were the central characters of this 90s masterpiece. Kevin, a former football stud, had everything a guy could ask for, including a successful rhyming car dealership, O’Shea Chevrolet. Danny, on the other hand, was always the runt of the litter. After their clash of the titans-esque coaching battle, their worlds were bound to change. And did they ever.
Upon hearing of the epic Giants vs. Cowboys game of 1994, the NFL came a callin’ for some diversity among coaches. Kevin and Danny both signed on to coach different NFL teams. After witnessing a Ray Lewis indiscretion, both brothers were forced to change their names and enter the Witness Protection Program. Now under the aliases Jim and John Harbaugh, Kevin and Danny still have their differences, but both are successful. I hear they even had another epic game a little over a year ago. I guess some things never change.
I hope you’ve found this informative. Even though these Little Giants futures are all 100% fabricated from the darkest depths of my mind, they are all totally plausible. C’mon, don’t tell me you didn’t think to yourself “Junior Floyd is a future NFL stud” immediately after watching Little Giants. I know I did. Well, that’s all I got for now. I’m going to go draw up the Annexation of Puerto Rico Part Deux for my upcoming flag football season. Wish I had Zolteck’s belly to write on.[Image via]