Making up the headlines just like they did with Derrick Rose return

By May 11, 2013June 18th, 2018No Comments

derrick-rose-returnI recently came across an article that claimed that it was likely Derrick Rose would be back with the Bulls in game 3 of their series against the Miami Heat. Why did the writer have reason to believe this would be the case? Because Rose had not explicitly stated that he was not playing in the game, and since the Bulls won game 1 they could possibly, maybe, win the series?

First of all, no, Rose isn’t coming back. Second, even if he did, that article still wasn’t news. It was just something that some guy made up and thought was a good idea. It wasn’t reporting facts, it was things coming out of his head. The worst part is, since that article came out, I heard Bulls fans saying ‘I hear Rose is coming back for game 3′.

It’s just irresponsible and very CNN like. That writer literally made something up, which seemed like a good idea to get some cheap pop, and spread it as if it were credible information from a source (but definitely not a Chris Broussard source). If CNN and other journalists can just make up news then so can I. Here’s some headlines that may or may not be factually correct.

Alex Rodriguez isn’t really injured, he is just pregnant

What’s a gossip column without some pregnancy rumors? My sources tell me that Rodriguez was knocked-up and left New York to have the baby in secret. And here we all thought that steroids lead to infertility. Mozel Tov, A-Rod. No word on if US Weekly or People will get the first photos or if this will lead to a new reality show on E!.

Clay Buchholz is not cheating, he’s just trying to stay off the DL

The Red Sox pitcher is not using a spitball and he is not cheating, he is just putting on a ton of suntan lotion so that he doesn’t get burned in the tanning bed like Marty Cordova. Tanning bed injuries are serious and can effect a baseball players ability to stay on the field. Buchholz should actually be commended for being a team player and his commitment to winning.

Michael Jordan will draft his sons in this year’s NBA Draft

The Charlotte Bobcats owner is great at spreading his brand, and terrible at evaluating talent. When he drafts both of his sons in the first round of the NBA Draft in June, His Airness will reinforce both of those facts. The Jordan Brand already makes shoes, shirts, shorts, golf gear, hats, backpacks, sweatbands, spandex, socks, and just about anything else you can think of that is even remotely related to sports. After the draft, the brand would be able to make everything related to sports THREE TIMES (one version for each son, and one for dad). The Jordan Brand Cash Grab that MJ and Nike enjoy will triple over night.

Initially, teams may take issue with the Bobcats selecting two players with one pick, but since none of the other teams want the two UCF flameouts anyways, they will all agree to allow the heirs to Air (clever, right?) to go with their dad.

**UPDATE** After seeing this headline the Washington Wizards are reportedly interested in taking a look at the younger Jordan’s.

The NHL has playoffs going on right now

That one is actually true, but most of you probably forgot since the NHL gets as much coverage as a Kate Upton bikini covers her boobs.

LeBron James and Joakim Noah are best friends

That’s why they are always hugging each other out there. I full expect them to kiss at half court at the start of game 4 like Magic and Isiah did to show solidarity for their friendship.

Chris Paul, Dwight Howard, and Josh Smith will all sign with New Orleans this off-season

It makes sense if you think about it. Paul has played there before, Smith looks like the type of guy that enjoys Mardi Gras, and Dwight just wants to get the hell away from Kobe. Plus, the team is going to be named the Pelicans. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?

Throw in that goofy-looking unibrowed kid and you have the next power team in the NBA.

The Marlins and Astros are switching their rosters for the second half of the season

They just want to see if anyone will notice. Sadly no one will until Jeffery Loria trades Jose Altuve to the Yankees for Vernon Wells (yes, I know that Vernon Wells is actually playing well but there’s no way that he will keep it up).

Derek Jeter is not actually hurt, he is A-Rod’s Baby Daddy

There’s just no way all of those Yankees are actually hurt. And how hasn’t Jeet’s impregnated anyone yet? Dude spends more time in in vag than Tim Tebow does in church.

I’ll give it to you, making things up about athletes is fun. I just really hope fans start recognize when writers have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about (except when it’s me).