Boy how the world of PED’s has evolved. First Drago in Rocky IV, then the Bash Brothers in Oakland. Barry Bonds was on them, though he definitely wasn’t when he couldn’t throw out 87 year old Sid Bream from short left. Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite claimed to swallow a lot of Vitamin B. Manny Ramirez used an estrogen supplement. All these players are high profile but quite frankly I and most of you could give two craps about Superstars being on PED’s. We want to see dingers and records broken so the more the merrier.
So, in good old Bacon Sports fashion, let’s cover the story that you don’t see all the time: the players fans could really give a crap less if they sprayed deer antler spray or deer piss in their mouths to get better because in the end, the only hall of fame they’ll ever appear in is the one above their parents mantle.
So here’s your starting lineup of Irrelevant PED users:
Matt Lawton, CF
Ah good old Mr. Lawton is a solid leadoff man (he hit a respectable .283 in a 4-year span with the Twins). He has a little pop in the bat (138 homers), some speed on the bags (165 stolen bases). I remember him as a Yankee. He actually got caught with PED’s in pinstripes in 2005. Hmm…cannot think of anyone who would have introduced him to PED’s on that roster. Come to think of it, I can’t really think of anyone on the Yankees that would hit .125 in a 21 game stretch either. Weird that he got caught juicing. He was such a calm guy.
Mike Morse, 1B
At least the PED’s worked for Mike. He’s the only player ever to hit a grand slam with an invisible bat.
Neifi Perez, 2B
Jeremy Giambi, RF
They say if you can’t beat em, join em. And that’s just what Jeremy did. He juiced with his brother and he still wasn’t half the player Jason was, even when he was with the Rockies.
Randy Ruiz, 3B
Randy Ruiz claimed Viagra caused him to test positive in 2006. Um Randy, even if it was Viagra that caused the positive test, why were you using it when you were 28 years old?
Francisco Cervelli, C
He looks like he should play shortstop on a high school team. The league should give him PED’s.
Jorge Piedra, LF
Congress questioned Piedra back in 2006 when he tested positive for steroids. Only, they didn’t even care he took them, they just wanted to know if he knew Rafael Palmeiro took them because they feared Palmeiro was “lying” to them.
Freddy Galvis, SS
Galvis gave one of the more common, but unique responses given when convicted of PED use. “I cannot understand how even this tiny of a particle of banned substance got into my body,” Galvis claimed. Um I probably do. You put it in there.
Damian Moss, SP
There were so many good picks for the pitchers slot, but this guy is Australian. I didn’t even know they played baseball. I just thought they played rugby, wrestled alligators, slammed Fosters cans on a table, and relished in the fact that they’ll never be involved in nuclear warfare. Good for you, Damian.
Well there you have it. Your most irrelevant lineup of PED users, to date. Do you have a favorite low level athlete that was a PED user that we missed? If so holla at us in the comments.