Hall of FameSports

NBA players and the Hollywood characters they would be

By November 8, 2012 No Comments
billy hoyle white men can't jump

Two nights ago, I, as many of you reading as well, tried to figure out what all the colors and numbers and checkmarks meant on CNN while watching the Presidential Election.  When they would cut to commercial (which gave Diane Sawyer the opportunity to grab another red, white and blue cocktail), I would flip over to the Chicago Bulls game.  They were locked in a classic rivalry game with the Orlando Magic – minus Nick Anderson, Dennis Scott, Tree Rollins and Anthony Bowie.  While watching, my galfriend and I got into a bit of a debate on whether Kirk Hinrich can dunk.  She said “Yes, of course, he’s an NBA player”.  I said, “No shot, he’s like 34, always hurt and he’s only 6’1.”  Needless to say, my mind immediately went to me thinking of the scene in White Men Can’t Jump when Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson had pretty much the same argument on the playground courts.  My mind continued to travel to the point that I’m writing this post – NBA players and the Hollywood character they remind me of.

billy hoyle white men can't jump

Billy Hoyle – White Men Can’t Jump/Kirk Hinrich – Chicago Bulls

Other than the somewhat word-for-word debate above, I can just see Kirk dressing like Hoyle if he played in the early 90’s.  Both the same kind of player too, loves to feed, not the best outside shooter but can make some shots when called upon, rugged defender.  This comparison was almost too easy.

Oh yeah, at one point in time, Kirk threw down some thunder in a live, professional basketball game. See for yourself:

Ricky RoeBlue Chips/Josh McRoberts – Orlando Magic

While watching said Bulls-Magic showdown, I noticed that Josh McRoberts, former Dukie, was getting a bit of run.  Since my train of thought was movie guys, I looked at him and immediately thought “Ricky Roe”, you know…the only non-NBA-star-turned-kinda-good-actor from Blue Chips.  I wouldn’t be surprised if growing up in Indiana (THAT’S WHERE RICKY’S FROM TOO), McRoberts shot at a tetanus covered basketball hoop while his daddy’s tractor didn’t work real well in the barn.

SalehThe Air Up There – DeSagana DiopCharlotte Bobcats

For all you that hate numbers, just scan ahead to the next one, cause I have some digits that will blow your mind (not really).  First off, I went back and watched the coaches film of the Winabi-Mingori game.  In my box score (not official), Saleh scored 14 points, grabbed 13 rebounds and blocked 8 shots.  Not so coincidentally, in Diop’s senior year, he averaged 14.6 ppg, 13.2 boards and 8.1 bpg.  Spitting image if you ask me.

Since I feel like DeSagnana doesn’t get his necessary due, here are some things that should be more publicized about him:

  • Speaks Wolof
  • This year will be his 12th in the league.  His career high in points in 12 years?  Ten.  His career high in points in 579 games is 10 points.  He must do other things really really well.
  • Career high in assists for a game?  Four.  Looks like he passes as well as he shoots.
  • He will make $7.3 million dollars this year.  At max, he will score 10 points and dish 4 assists in one game for that money.

Stan Podolak – Space Jam/Eddy Curry – Dallas Maverics/Out of basketball hopefully forever

Sometimes pictures say 1000 words.

glasses Eddie Curry picture

Air Bud –Air Bud/Shawn Marion – Phoenix Suns

Both have probably the oddest shooting forms I’ve ever seen (with the exception of the one handed set-shot).  Air Bud the dog uses his face to I guess headbutt the ball into the net with surprising success.  Marion keeps an elbow out, and then flicks the ball from his chest with an extreme amount of backspin, also with a surprising amount of success.  And if you ever find yourself googling “Shawn Marion dog comparisions air bud” you’ll come across an article where he says “I’m a competitor, I’m built a different way.  I have this inner dog in me that I feel like a lot of people don’t have”.  Ergo, Shawn Marion is Air Bud.

If I played on the other team, there’s no way I’d step on the court playing against a dog.  How are you supposed to A) know if he’s had his shots B) set screens on it C) get it to stand in one place for free throws without committing lane violations or laying down on the court?  Lotta flaws in that movie.

Shooter – Hoosiers/The crazy lady that walked on the court during a Denver Nuggets game

Everyone remembers when Shooter drunkenly stumbles onto the court in a moment of relapse.  Not everyone remembers when this lady decided to follow suit.  I wonder if she wanted Ty Lawson to run the picket fence

Coach Bobby FinstockTeen Wolf/Gregg Popovich – San Antonio Spurs

I know Coach Pop has won like 10,000 games and has 23 titles and they win by playing boring and blah blah blah.  There is no doubt in my mind that Pop hasn’t come into the locker room, still probably a tad high from schrooms, and given Melvin Ely this speech verbatim:

“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”

First Gambling Lock of the Second Term of Obama

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts -3.5

Lay the 3.5 here.  The Jags really don’t have anything of an offense with MJD out, and the Colts are riding this Chuck Pagano story pretty hard.  Tough to beat a team that is rallying around someone who’s fighting for something more than a football game.  I really hate laying more than a field goal on the road on a short week, but the Jags are painfully inept, while the Colts seems to be playing some pretty good ball lately.  I’m not thrilled with it, but I need something to go at the bottom of these posts.  So with that said, lock it up.

This was written by Jim Cook. He’s the Damon Bailey of sports writing…whatever that means

Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.