This past week Americans celebrated Turkey day in many different ways. Some celebrated with family Clark Griswold style, some celebrated with friends, and almost all of us watched some football. As traditions go, my family has done Thanksgiving dinner every year with the same relatives and family friends and year after year, nothing changes (for good or for bad). This week I compare NFL Week 13 to relatives during the holidays.
Aunt Jan/The impatient one
Every year my Aunt Jan hosts dinner at her house. As Jews, we get to the dinner at 5:00, Dad carves the turkey and we sit down to give thanks followed by a great dinner. Unfortunately, we are not the “let’s stay up all night and bond” kind of family. I barely got my dessert down when Jan rings the bell and dismisses the family. We all love each other, but spending over two hours together bonding sounds more boring than having watched Eli vs. RG3 on Sunday Night Football when clearly neither team is making the playoffs.
Impatient was Chicago Bears coach Marc Trestman going for a 47 yard field goal on 2nd down instead of trying to get closer on the field. This totally backfired because kicker Robbie Gould missed it and Chicago ended up losing the game. Hey, Coach, didn’t you see that last Auburn play? For those of us that have Adrian Peterson we thank you. For Valerie, having Gould, she ended up last in our playoffs and will never refer to him as Robbie Gold again.
David, the drunken family friend/The one who fell off the wagon
It’s a well-known fact that our family friend who attends our holiday dinners is a functioning alcoholic. It’s a sad state of affairs for David, but nothing is sadder than the fact that when he doesn’t drink, nobody wants to be around him. After making the decision not to drink, he was the angry, yelling maniac who nobody could stand. Imagine having turkey and stuffing with Bo Pelini after his Cornhusker team lost to Iowa. No thanks! But, thankfully and sadly, David decided to pick up the scotch and drink. The calm, cool and collected David was back. Kids, don’t try this at home!
This week, and the entire season for that matter, Ray Rice has fallen off the wagon and burned us. Poor Jen drafted Ray Rice, Tom Brady and Julio Jones as her top three picks. Needless to say she’s in last place and will be sporting the “I finished last in my fantasy football league” license plate holder. Don’t worry Jen, at least it’s pink.
Grandma/The sneaky one
Grandma, may she rest in peace, was a sneaky lady. We all knew Grandma smoked cigarettes, a habit she adamantly denied. The family had enough of the lies. Uncle Ken decided he was going to do something about it. Since Grandma always snuck into the guest bathroom to smoke, Ken installed a smoke alarm to catch her. Well, it worked. The smoke alarm goes off halfway into dinner and Grandma came out of the bathroom reeking of cigarettes yet still asked what caused the alarm to go off. In unison the entire family yelled “You”! She did whatever she could to keep us from knowing, just like Jason Kidd did whatever he could do to give the Nets a victory over the Lakers by spilling a drink on the court to buy time. Jason, take advice from Grandma. She quit smoking and you should quit being the coach of the NBA’s most disappointing team.
Sneaky was Mike Tomlin following in Kidd’s footsteps trying to disrupt the Ravens/Steelers game. By Tomlin stepping on the field during Jacoby Jones run, he clearly knew he was in the wrong. Hey Mike, next time just spill some Gatorade so you can avoid that six figure fine you are going to have to pay.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly from Week 13
Wide receivers Josh Gordon, Alshon Jeffery and Eric Decker. If any of you played against these guys, you probably lost and hopefully it didn’t hurt your playoff chances. But what if you’re playing against all three like Meigan was this week? Tricia scored 150 points (literally) and now refers to these guys as E, Joshie and Al. Sounds like a country band Tricia, but glad your new besties put you into the playoffs.
The Packers. When the Packers/Lion game was first on the Thanksgiving schedule we were all excited for this juicy matchup. Unfortunately, without Rodgers this Packers team looks like a JV High School team. There were no offensive touchdowns and Meigan, who started Nelson and Boykin, excruciatingly saw a combined score of less than 2 points from both of them. Sorry Meg but this was more predictable than Charlie Sheen dating another porn star under the age of 25. Given she is no ordinary porn star, as she has starred in an actual film called Bondage Tongue Bath, so maybe there’s hope Rodgers comes back this week.
Anyone playing against Justin Tucker or Adam Vinatieri. Both kickers each had five field goals. Poor Kristen played against the last place Nicole. Kristen had high hopes of making the playoffs, but thanks to Justin, she will be playing in the loser’s bowl. Don’t worry Kristen, we are all winners having played another great season of fantasy football. Well, I only say that because this Commish clinched 1st place and the last time I was this excited was exactly one year ago when I also clinched 1st place. And no, I’m not pulling a Bill Belichick by spying or cheating. Like the Pats, I can’t help being this good (you can gag now). Since I have a bye week coming up, luckily, I can relax, de-stress and my fingernails won’t be bitten to stubs come next Sunday.
Here’s to all of you in the playoffs needing a manicure after next weekend.
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