Sports

How Believable Are Rajon Rondo and Joseph Fauria’s Injuries?

By September 30, 2014 No Comments
athlete-injuries-dog

athlete-injuries-rondo-fauriaDetroit Lions tight end Joseph Fauria and Boston Celtics guard Rajon Rondo can add themselves to the the Marty Cordova Injury Hall of Fame. Fauria is out of action due to spraining his ankle while chasing his dog Lil’ Rufio down some steps, and Rondo is out after breaking his hand after slipping in the shower. Since I both own a dog and take showers I can consider myself an expert on these situations and will break them down for believability.

First Joseph Fauria. I get how it is with not wanting your dog to pee on the carpet. Give me a #2 all day. Easy cleanup, done in less than a minute. #1 soaks into the carpet and then you hope that you still have some Spot Shot left from the last time your dog peed on the carpet and then you have to figure out if you really got it all up and if it’s going to stain or not. You’ll go all John McClane to try and prevent yourself from having to go through this laborious process. I’ve been there.

joseph-fauria-dog-nugget-3

As for the “come here you little…nugget” quote, I’ve called my dog a meatball before so it’s not that far fetched to call your dog a nickname after a random food. Plus, since Fauria is an NFL player that always needs to stay big so that he can bang with the Jared Allen’s of the world he’s probably thinking about food often. There’s very few of us who have never thought about chicken nuggets before.

NO-SOCKS-ON-HARDWOOD

I’m also with Fauria on going from carpet to hardwood floor wearing socks and how it can cause you to slide around like you are wearing unlatched roller blades. A few weeks ago I was playing PIG on G-Hunts 13-foot indoor living room basketball hoop in only socks and while trying to do 360 layups I was sliding around on that hardwood and almost ate it numerous times. I feel his pain here.

Regarding the rumors floating around that Fauria injured his ankle playing volleyball. I’ve been in numerous volleyball leagues and I can tell you that none of my friends that weren’t playing in the game have ever shown up just to watch me play. This isn’t the Top Gun volleyball league were people watch random games just because guys are playing in jeans. We have a hard enough time just fielding a full team even though we’ve got four extra on the roster. I find it hard to believe that Fauria would just show up at their game but who knows, maybe he is really that awesome of a friend or it gave him an opportunity to throw a few back while looking at girls in short shorts.

In the event that Fauria showed up I could see where you’d let your large NFL tight end friend serve a few in warmups. It would give you an opportunity to play off his coolness because you have an NFL player friend and the other team doesn’t. Plus, you’d get to see if you are better at serving than an NFL player (and if you think that dudes wouldn’t want to see how they measure up at anything versus an NFL player then you don’t know dudes.) Despite the checkered track record of NFL players this year I don’t think that Joseph Fauria is Chase Buddinger and has to play volleyball any chance he can get (especially in-season). I’m buying this side of the story too.

So for those of you who haven’t missed a step or two in their life can cast the first stone. I’m sorry that we aren’t all Tony Little and gazelling our way up and down stairs. I believe Joseph Fauria’s story.

chicken-mcnugget-george-washingtonRandom Sidenote:

While looking for a picture of a chicken nugget I came across this chicken nugget that looks like George Washington. This brings up two things:

1. That chicken nugget really does look like George Washington. I’d give it a 95 out of 100.

2. The person who is eating this chicken nugget was classy enough to be eating chicken nuggets yet smart enough to think about George Washington. Talk about a backdoor cover. I sure as hell wouldn’t see George Washington. I’m more likely to see Gheorghe Muresan.

As for Rajon Rondo, I’ve never slipped and fallen in the shower but I am acutely aware of it and often run the scenarios in my head of how I could slip and fall in the shower (since it seems like an injury that could actually happen because it could be slippery.) The first assumption is that Rondo had to be getting out of a tub. If he has one of those rich people showers where there’s a glass door and you just walk in then there’s no chance that he could have sustained this injury (unless he doesn’t know how to walk and stand in the rain, which is highly unlikely considering his on the court moves). The only place for him to slip and fall would be on that stool and the only reason he’s likely using that is to go to pound town. That doesn’t seem like the case here.

dont-text-and-shower-rajon-rondoSo we’ve established that it’s a tub, a rich persons tub like that one. Rondo claims, “Certain falls happen and you slip, and I slipped and tried to catch my hand.” Certain falls? I’m calling bullshit on this statement, just like Dad would his 16 year old daughter telling him that certain car accidents happen. The real root of this injury is that Rajon Rondo has a texting problem and it ain’t easy to text and shower and not get your iPhone wet. Maybe the water was too hot and his leg was up on one of those luxurious neck towels all while he was texting LOL’s to Jeff Green and lost his balance. Had that been the story I’d be on board.

In both Fauria and Rondo’s cases each player had to give a detailed recount/itinerary of what happened to help with the credibility of their story. Apparently Joseph Fauria ain’t on Rajon Rondo’s level because instead of going to watch his friends play volleyball Rondo got to go to a trampoline park, for free, and watch his kids do their thing. It’s good to know that the perks of being an NBA All-Star extend to the trampoline game. I’ve never been to a trampoline park but a simple YouTube search unearthed this Sky Zone that looks like a cross between NBA Jams and MTV Rock n Jock.

 

After seeing that video there’s no chance that Rondo could have sat on the sidelines and just watched. It looks like an orgy of fun. It’s very easy to blame the shower for the injury when in reality Rondo was likely practicing his front flip half court dunks. HE’S ON FIRE!

As if slipping and falling in the shower and definitely not playing around at a trampoline park wasn’t believable enough, Danny Ainge (who was once on a cruise I was on when I was 9 years old) chimes in with a story about how he smashed his head getting out of the shower at the Wynn in Las Vegas. I’ve been to Las Vegas five or six times and I can tell you that 110% of shower related injuries are not caused by the shower. They are operator error due to drinking until the sun comes up or some combination of booze, drugs, Spearmint Rhino, or What Happens In Vegas Stays in Vegas. Danny Ainge is on some next level shit if we are all to believe that he also doesn’t know how to take a shower safely. He played with Larry freaking Bird. You think Larry would put up with some dude not knowing how to shower? I think not.

So there you have it. Joseph Fauria’s tripping on the stairs because of his dog stoy is believable and Rajon Rondo’s falling in the shower tale was likely true, though some details were left out. To all those athletes out there that are thinking about getting a puppy or taking a shower unassisted I caution them to be careful. Showering and puppies are no laughing matter.

Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.