For the third straight year the Miami Heat will be in the NBA Finals. Currently, Heat hatred in this country is higher than the obesity rate and chances are you reading this article are gonna root for the Spurs. But should you? Here I will rank, from thirty to one, the list of players who deserve a ring the most, and the team with the lowest score should be the one America roots for.
30: Ray Allen, Miami Heat
Yes, I am a Boston Celtics fan, but still Allen left the team he had battled with for five years and took less money to join the hated Heat. If America was actually like the new movie The Purge, and KG had twelve hours to break the law, he would be on the first plane to South Beach looking to hunt down Allen. It was the equivalent of if Michelangelo left the Ninja Turtles to join up with Bebop and Rocksteady and for this act of traitor-ship, he is the least deserving of a title.
29: Aron Baynes, San Antonio Spurs
28: Jarvis Varnado, Miami Heat
If I got on an elevator and these two guys were on it and they introduced themselves, I still would have no idea who they were. Varnado goes ahead of Baynes because, lets face it, spelling the name Aaron “Aron” is about the douchiest way you could spell it. For his parents thinking they were cool, he gets put in the 29th spot.
27: Juwan Howard, Miami Heat
Yes, it was nice to see the veteran get a ring last year for basically doing nothing, but two years in a row is just too much. Howard probably jumped at the chance to get away from the wife and kids for a few months when the Heat called, but he is at the age where he should be doing that by golfing, not sitting on the end of an NBA Bench.
26: Nando de Colo, San Antonio Spurs
His name sounds like it should be the name of some over-priced coconut water drink that teenage girls buy to look cool.
25: James Jones, Miami Heat
At this point, I think James Earl Jones has logged more minutes in the post-season than Jones has.
24: DeJuan Blair, San Antonio Spurs
Blair had played a bigger role for the Spurs but has fallen out of favor as of late. He also falls this far on the list because of all the money his Pitt team’s cost me when they choked every NCAA tournament.
23: Rashard Lewis, Miami Heat
The man who will go down as the most overpaid in NBA history when he was on Orlando, is a shell of himself. His only purpose on the Heat is to hit three pointers, which he has struggled to do.
22: Joel Anthony, Miami Heat
Lets face it, it must be tough for Anthony to go through life with the hairline of 177 year old man. His hairline is so far back that it actually starts on his back. His hairline looks like it saw his face in the mirror and tired to run away. Ok, you get the picture.
21: Cory Joseph, San Antonio Spurs
20: Patty Mills, San Antonio Spurs
Two guards for the Spurs who have not contributed much during the post-season. Though Joseph is playing better, I give the edge to Mills for having to go through life with the name Patty. You just know growing up, kids teased him on the play ground by calling him Patty Mayonnaise. We can also agree that it took Doug Funnie way too long to lock that down.
19: Mike Miller, Miami Heat
Sure, he looks like he should be out in Albuquerque with Jessie and Badger trying to sell Crystal Meth, but when called upon Miller contributes. He also looks like he could use some Crystal Meth after every shot he takes, as he can’t shoot without hurting himself.
18: Norris Cole, Miami Heat
Chuck Norris > Norris Cole.
17: Gary Neal, San Antonio Spurs
16: Boris Diaw, San Antonio Spurs
Two more consistent role players for the Spurs. Diaw gets the nod ahead of Neal because of longevity and that fact that it is probably hard to pick up chicks with a name like Boris.
15: Danny Green, San Antonio Spurs
Danny Brown >Danny Green. Look it up kids.
14: Shane “Low Blow” Battier, Miami Heat
Battier has been a consistent role player over the years and deserved to get his ring last year. With that said, the guy is a prick. He is the guy during a pick up basketball game that swings his elbow on every rebound, tries to take charges, and is the first to call traveling on someone. He drove in knee’s first so many times against the Pacers that it will be a miracle if Roy Hibbert is able to have children. He is also the first player to flop when someone tries to get in his face for his dirty play.
13: Udonis Haslem, Miami Heat
While Haslem has played bigger roles in other Heat championships, when called on he has performed well for his team this postseason. He gave them a lift when they needed it the most in the Pacers series. Plus, he still rocks cornrows like its 2003 and you have to respect him for that.
12: Tiago Splitter, San Antonio Spurs
He does the basketball equivalent of what is refereed to on the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” as “Charlie Work”. On the show “Charlie Work” includes such things as cleaning toilets, burning trash, or killing a whole generation of rats. In the NBA “Charlie Work” is setting screens to get people open, which is something Splitter does well. Without him the Spurs wouldn’t be the well oiled machine they are.
11: Mario Chalmers, Miami Heat
He had to grow up as a black kid in Alaska, for that he deserves another NBA championship ring.
10: Matt Bonner, San Antonio Spurs
What’s tougher than growing up as a black kid in Alaska? Growing up as a Ginger anywhere. But Bonner persevered through all the teasing and made it in the sport ginger’s are least likely to succeed at, basketball. While I am pretty sure Bonner has never attempted a shot inside the three point line, when he does hit from out there it gets the crowd going. Once he gets going it is hard to stop the Red Mamba.
9: Tracy McGrady, San Antonio Spurs
Yes, he played all season in China. Yes, he hasn’t scored once in the playoffs. Yes, he does have a lazy eye. But McGrady deserves this ring more for all the great things he did playing for the Rockets and Magic in the early part of the decade. At one point he was the best pure scorer in the NBA but could just never put it together in the playoffs, as before this year he had never made it out of the first round. Still, T-Mac will be remember as one of the all-time great scorers and for that he deserves a ring.
8: Kawhi Leonard, San Antonio Spurs
Leonard is one of the only young players on the Spurs and looks to be a key piece to their future. He has taken it to another level in the playoffs, especially on the defensive end where he has turned into a steals machine. While the Spurs will definitely be rebuilding soon, Leonard is there to stay for a while.
7: Chris Bosh, Miami Heat
While Bosh got completely dominated by the Pacer’s Hibbert and West last series, he was still one of the best players on the Heat this year. Also, no player has it tougher on social media than Bosh. Bosh gay/raptor jokes are one of the most popular things on Twitter (haters always gonna hate). If you type his name into the search on Twitter, the first thing that comes up is “chrisboshjasoncollins”. Collins is the NBA player who just came out as gay. As that isn’t bad enough, we also found out this year that Lil’ Wayne banged his wife.
6: Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat
Wade has been one of the best players in the NBA for the last decade but with injuries taking its toll on his body, his production has slowed in the playoffs. Still without him the Heat would not be in the Finals. While his skill has diminished, his aggression has picked up. He has turned into the NBA’s version of Ric Flair as he will pull any dirty trick out of his bag to win. Elbow a guy in the face, sure. Kick to the nuts, no problem. Break a guys arm, Wade’s pleasure. Still talented, one day, his dirty plays will out weigh his skill on the court. WOOOOO!
5: Manu Ginobili, San Antonio Spurs
Though Duncan and Parker get a lot of the praise, Ginobili is the heart and soul of the Spurs. Coming off the bench, he provides the spark that many times is the thing that puts the Spurs over the edge. He also has the most famous bald spot since George Costanza.
4: Birdman, Miami Heat
If someone ever had a casting call and they were looking for someone to play a “White Trash” character Birdman would get the part every time. That being said, without him the Heat wouldn’t be in the finals. He has given them energy, rebounding, toughness and at one point was 18 for 18 shooting in the Eastern Conference Finals. He is doing all this while looking like he just came to the arena from Mike Miller’s meth house.
3: Tim Duncan, San Antonio Spurs
He may be boring but he gets it done. One of, if not the greatest power forward in NBA history. While he may already have four rings, a fifth will just add to his legacy and will be the cherry on top of what already has been a great career.
2: Tony Parker, San Antonio Spurs
Parker has overcome a lot this year to be in the Finals and by a lot, I mean a male cat fight between Chris Brown and Drake. This summer, Parker’s eye was injured when he was hit by a bottle during the fight between the two musicians. While this could of been career ending, Parker has overcome it and been a force in the playoffs. He dominated the Grizzlies in the Western Conference Finals and as Parker goes, so do the Spurs.
1: Lebron James, yes Lebron, deal with it, Miami Heat
James is the best player in the world. Yes, he cries like baby. Yes, he flops more than a fish out of water. Yes, he gave himself the nickname “King”. Yes, he tore out everyone in the city of Cleveland’s hearts. Yes, he is insecure about his hairline but without him the Heat might not be in the playoffs, let alone the Finals. Love him or hate him (you probably hate him) James deserves to silence the critics a little more by getting his second ring (looking at you Skip).
The final tally: Heat: 248 Spurs: 202
So in the end the Spurs are the team that you should root for by a landslide. Finally something that most Americans can agree on, besides going up for seconds on dessert.
Don’t forget to check me out on Twitter @RobLoweSports
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