Hey, hey, hey, hey – what is going on here?! Oh, sorry, just practicing my Belding. Dude had more catch-phrases than the Fonz in his prime. Speaking of Mr. Belding, everyone’s favorite principal not named Ed Rooney, ever wonder what the world would be like if the Saved by the Bell gang played football? Which touchdown dances would they even do if they scored six for the Bayside Tigers? Wonder no more.
Let’s be frank here, Zack ruled Bayside High with an iron fist. Kelly Kapowski never stood a chance when the dreamy teen with multi-colored hair walked into her life. Preppy was teen royalty, the Regina George of Bayside. He didn’t really make a name for himself in sports, though, unless you count the episode where he discovers his Native American background through a mysterious chief and wins the track meet, hooray! I mean, they even had a pep rally at the Max. That’s when you know you’ve made it.
Given that he’s an attention whore speedster, Zack would be the perfect deep threat for AC Slater, because you know Slater is the QB of this team. And if you argue with that, he’ll unleash his alter ego, “Abnormally Cruel.” Zack’s touchdown dance would be nothing short of Ohocinco-ian. I’d love to see Zack bust out the putting with the pylon routine, but really I think he’d be better suited for the good ol’ cheerleader proposal. Knowing Kelly, she would just get flustered, start crying and probably get back together with that jerk, Jeff. That Rob Lowe look-a-like almost ruined everything! I’m still bitter.
Twinkle toes Slater had all the right moves, both on the field and the dance floor. Who could ever forget his inspired pirouettes in the classic “Buddy Bands” commercial? Let’s not forget his numerous sequin-garnished spandex leotards that would even make Liberace blush. It would be far too easy to pin the Victor Cruz salsa dance on Slater and call it a day, but that’s just not going to cut it. Slater deserves better, and for that, he gets the Jermaine Wiggins break dancing experience. I’m talking windmill, flips, people’s elbow, the whole enchilada. Side note: AC’s Lionel Richie Jerry curl would definitely peek out of his helmet Polamalu-style – might even get some endorsement deals out of it. Think about it.
Inept doesn’t even begin to describe Screech’s athletic prowess. This is the guy got a black eye from a robot, after all. But since we live in a world where everyone gets a trophy for participating, I guess I’ll have to add him to the active roster. Screech can be the sick kid on the team who gets one play all season where everybody avoids tackling him so he can have his moment in the sun. Tear.
Now, Screech never was known for his dancing skills either, which makes his TD dance a little more difficult. But I’m guessing after four seasons of taking a backseat to Zack and Slater and being the butt of every nerd joke known to man, he’s got some pent-up aggression to get out. Screech’s touchdown dance would have to make a statement, which is why I’m going with the “Moss Moon.” Randy caused a stir when he infamously dropped trou and shook what his mama gave him in Green Bay. I’m gonna bet Screech would get his ass kicked if he tried to pull the same stunt, unless Dustin Diamond decides to go all Mike Tyson on the good citizens of Wisconsin.
Kelly, Jessie and Lisa
So, not to lump the girls together, but to lump the girls together, I’m seeing more of a group celebration here. Sure, they’d be flagged for it. Sure, it would push them back fifteen yards on the ensuing kickoff, but was Saved by the Bell a show that even paid attention to the details? I think not.
One word: T.O. Actually, I guess that’s more like two letters, but you get the picture. One of my personal favorite touchdown dances belongs to T.O., when he stole the pom-poms from a San Francisco cheerleader and waved them like a member of the congregation waves a fan in a church with no AC. Our Saved by the Bell gals would make it more of a group effort, and if we’re lucky, they might even sit in the end zone and do the row boat for some added entertainment.
Last, but certainly not least, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, I shall unveil the touchdown dance of Mr. Balding, I mean Belding. A lot of tender love and care was put into this decision. Much deliberation occurred, but in the end, I decided that Mr. Belding, being the large, rather slow oaf that he is, would never be an offensive player on the Bayside Tigers football team, he would be a nose tackle.
Every great defensive player has his sack dance. Brett Keisel has his bow and arrow routine (until he got flagged for going to one knee last season – still bitter), Clay Matthews has his muscle-flexing and wing-spreading thing, but what would Belding do, you ask? Well, one rather large defensive tackle had the opportunity to catch a pass in recent memory, and he celebrated said touchdown in extraordinary fashion. Belding would definitely do the Warren Sapp touchdown hop. Nothing beats a fat dude getting down like a 12-year-old girl at a Beyonce concert.
We want to hear from you. Do you see these touchdown dances going down differently? If so holla at us in the comments or on Twitter @BaconSports.
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