The Cleveland Cavaliers just backed up the Brinks truck and signed big man Andrew Bynum! Besides having a swimming pool of money larger than Scrooge McDuck, he owns the world’s best head of hair that even the Birdman is jealous of. I know, I know he stiffed the Sixers harder than a Zdeno Chara slap shot and is lazier than Albert Haynesworth, but from a Cleveland perspective this is actually a good thing.
As a Cleveland fan, this deal is pure genius. First off, this is the biggest free agent signing since Andre Rison brought his ego to town in exchange for money but forgot his talent. Despite Bynum’s health issues he is still young at 25 years old and is a big name that can put up numbers when actually on the court. He is a household name and proves Cleveland can lure a big name to the mistake on the lake.
From the team perspective, this could not be any better. GM Chris Grant has been wheeling and dealing the last few years like he was at Compton swap meet. The prime goal of this rebuild was to gain assets and maintain more flexibility than Bibi Jones in Rob Gronkowski’s bed. Bynum’s contract is 2 years for $24 million with a team option for the second year. Only $6 million/year of that is guaranteed. That gives the Cavs the ability to cut ties with him after one year if he has health issues or struggles on the court. The summer of 2014 looms large when trying to attract
premier free agents like Chris Bosh.
Let’s get back to reality now. We all know that the chances of Bynum actually playing one single game this season is about the same as JaMarcus Russell staying out of McDonald’s and making an NFL roster. That said Andrew Bynum can net $6 million at worst. So let’s have some fun and spend Bynum’s newly minted stash for him.
Spend 1 night with
Adam Pacman Jones.
Hang out with the man who once spent $1 million in a single night. Still perplexed how he did that. Make it rain at “scrimp clubs”, brandish guns, hire a posse, buy every bottle of booze at the bar, shoot people. As The Clipse say “Hey, it’s just a day in the life”.
Build a barbershop in his house.
No brainer. This guy is the new Dennis Rodman, but better. From the original buzzed lettuce to a huge fro, to half braids half fro, all the way to an iced over fro, someone has to keep his mop fresh and come hard in the paint with new styles.
You have to get bored at some point with all the loot. What better way to spend it then hitting up the drug lord who makes Nate Newton look like a recreational dealer. Now I do not want Bynum to pull a Len Bias, so he might need to enlist a hometown vet like Josh Gordon to make sure he is getting good stuff.
Father multiple children with multiple baby mamas.
This won’t be difficult as it seems to be a natural pastime to all athletes. Wondering how to blow the money you don’t know how to spend? Simple, give Travis Henry, Shawn Kemp, or Antonio Cromartie a call. They will tell you that you might even need a pay advance on your next contract. And Mr. Bynum if you want to be the best at your position you need to catch up to Dwight Howard in this category.
And if you have money left over, buy the Cleveland Browns. Can imagine they will be up for sale soon.
Cleveland has certainly given itself a win-win situation by signing Bynum in both the short and long term. As a sports fan, removing any bias, do you like this move? And how do you tell Andrew Bynum to spend his dough? Holla in the comments.
Bacon + Beer + Sports = the Greatest Celebration to ever hit Chicago. Get ready to have your mind blown!
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