Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: High waisted jean shorts are about as attractive as an elephants butt. What’s your stance on them?
A: Why do you want to have a grandma’s ass at such a prime age? And why do you want the most unattractive camel toe that you could get? It’s literally an epidemic. Girls who wear them think they look great, but at the same time, no one else in the world thinks they look great. I just don’t understand the concept. And if one more person tells me they are ‘fashionable’ I’m going to kill myself. Just because some coked out Californian hippie wears them and gets put on TMZ does not mean it can be considered actual ‘fashion’.
Q: Tell me something that’s stupider than Michael Beasley smoking pot and driving around in his car after already getting in trouble for smoking the hippie lettuce and having millions of dollars to lose.
A: Michael Beasley himself is stupider, that’s what. He’s been acting out forever. I’m pretty sure he has a sexual assault case pending from earlier this year as well. If I must continue, remember in 2008 when he was fined for $50,000 for violating some rule in that rookie transition camp? And then he continued this trend and went to rehab in 2009. I kind of feel bad for the guy. He’s getting chances here and there to continue his (shitty) career, and he ruins all of them. As much as I think weed should be legal, it isn’t. And when you’re an athlete you can’t just make up and live by your own law. Sorry, Beasley! If that were how life works, we’d all be dead.
Q: What is your prediction for how the Pittsburgh Pirates season will end up?
A: I have high hopes for the Pirates this year. I think they could stand to make a few offensive adjustments, but baseball in October looks like a gleaming opportunity for them at this point. Other than that, I refuse to make any predictions because I’m very sportstitious.
Q: Greg Jennings keeps mouthing off about the Packers and just when you think he’s done he keeps on chirping. Does he have a point or is he the scorned lover who is trying to get back at his old team (for what I have no clue)?
A: Greg Jennings needs to stop talking. I respect him as a player and I can understand the frustration of being let go after a seven year run with an awesome organization, but he talks about his old team more than his new team and that doesn’t look good on anyone. The fact that he is claiming he was “brainwashed” is more ridiculous than the entire Philly fan base. “Brainwashed” to believe you’re the best? Is that really brainwashing when you’re actually among the best and a recent Super Bowl Championship team (barf)?
He is coming off as a stage five clinger. The only way to get back at anyone is to out-perform them. And with all the injuries the Packers are experiencing in training camp right now, I’m pretty sure no one in the state is even slightly concerned with this. For the record I hate the Packers so this is not a biased post.
Q: I’m going to take a girl that I met at the bar last weekend on a date to a Monster Truck Rally. Can you help me plan/set up the night so that I have the best chance at getting some nookie.
A: Listen to yourself talk for two seconds before you ask me about ‘getting nookie’ after a Monster Truck Rally date. A Monster Truck Rally date? Really? Unless you met this girl at the Indiana or Wisconsin State Fairs, then you need to call your mom right now and apologize to her for turning out to be idiot. Unless Ms. Indiana/Wisconsin specifically said to you, “I absolutely love monster trucks!” then you should cancel and revamp all these plans two days ago. Also, consider evaluating your own life.
Q: If you were an American Gladiator what would your name be?
A: Resisting Arrest.
Q: How many teams is too many fantasy football teams for one person?
A: I’m down for people having as many fantasy football teams as they would like but once you start forgetting about your actual, real life team and once you don’t know every important detail that happened in their last game, then you have crossed the line. Fantasy teams are amazing, but the love and attention you need to be dedicating to your real team should never go on the back burner for the fun hobby that is fantasy football.
Q: Give us three random athletes.
A: Racist John Rocker, Charlie Hayes, Artrell Hawkins
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