Last week Sir David Stern stole the show as commissioner, MC, and super hard ass at his final NBA Draft. No one goes harder in the paint then Stern, who welcomed the heckling, egged the crowd on and when not showered with boos at the podium seemed more upset then Jim Everett after Jim Rome called him “Chris”. We will miss you Commissioner Stern.
Normally in sports we celebrate the good athletes, stories, and teams just like Bob Slydell celebrated Michael Bolton’s entire catalog in Office Space. But every once in a while I take pride in getting with the tough or all around bad guy/villain who just does not care. We all know who they are on and off the field. But that got me to thinking, who are the biggest hardos to ever grace us with their presence on the big screen?
Lou Brown – Major League
The father of all hardo’s. No one gave less fucks then this pastrami hanging over his belt manager. Brown tops my list because he is so good at being a hard ass but does not try. It’s just who he is and makes him a smoother operator than a Ray Allen J from the corner.
Instead of jumping at the chance to manage in the major leagues, he calmly lets the Indians GM know he was trying to sell someone white walls at Tire World. Brown is not impressed with high priced former talent Roger Dorn and whips it out and takes a leak on his contract and continues to walk, making Bill Belichick look soft. After a great catch by highlight reel center fielder Willie Mayes Hays, coach Brown greets him with a handshake coming off the field and says with a smirk “nice catch Hays, don’t ever f*cking do it again.”
Never has a man not cared so less about anything or anyone since Brown managed the misfits he dubbed “my kind of team” in Major League. After being picked to finish last, Lou held a team meeting to inspire his team to win just to give the prognosticators a big “shit burger”. RIP Lou Brown.
Jack Parkman – Major League 2
Parkman was supposed to be the power hitter that took the Indians “all the way”. Instead Parkman was a clubhouse cancer whose shimmy made the women in Cleveland puke. A screw off that constantly badgered old guys like Jake Taylor on his last legs, literally, and named pitches “the Masturbator”, Parkman was a bigger hard ass then Roger Clemens tossing a broken bat at Mike Piazza. He trashes his teammates in the paper and while getting the riot act and a benching from fellow tough guy manager Lou Brown, Parkman tells him to get a clue because he got traded. In true hardo fashion, he leaves and gets into a sports car with a hooker. Boss.
White Goodman – Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Where do I even begin? The owner/operator of Globo-Gym wears tight spandex at work that make Dwyane Wade’s skinny jeans and man capris look like he was in Kris Kross. White gave less fucks than Honey Badger when he rolled to his attorney’s house to let her know he fired her so they could bang. Oh, and you haven’t done that before? Causing bar fights better than Aaron Hernandez is on his resume as he ruins the Average Joe’s celebratory evening at the local establishment.
Finally his display of demeanor during the Dodgeball tournament is the likes we have not seen since Reggie Miller was flashing the choke sign to Spike Lee or Shaq was asking Kobe how his ass tasted. Goodman was overzealous, cocky, and narcissistic, but most of all an absolute hard ass.
Shooter McGavin – Happy Gilmore
Threatened by new talk of the tour, Happy Gilmore, the arrogant McGavin made sure Gilmore and the world knew he was the Bret Hart of golf – the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. From tricking the rookie into 9th green at nine, to sinking putts no look style like Jason Kidd, and getting Gilmore suspended from the tour, Shooter was tougher than John Rocker riding the 7 train in New York. Hell he even went all Tonya Harding and hired a hitman to take out rival Happy Gilmore. Classic case of a star that was not ready to hand the keys to the tour over to the new kid on the block.
Nobody had a better tough guy derogatory attitude, demeanor, tactics, and voice than Shooter McGavin. Case closed.
The Hanson brothers – Slap Shot
Jeff, Steve, and Jack Hanson personify tough and hard ass in this most underrated cinematic gem. Gangly looking goons on the end of a hockey bench, they take on the enforcer role for the Charleston Chiefs that make Stu Grimson and Bob Probert look like Carmelo Anthony in a fight.
In their down time these geeky looking, horn-rimmed glasses wearing brothers liked to play with toy cars and trucks in their hotel room. Make fun of them, sure, but they will pull your shirt over your head, smash your face in, and leave you bloodier than Ray Lewis’s suit in a trashcan. These tough guys cared less about winning than toxic Indians owner Rachel Phelps in Major League, they just wanted to cause more trouble than Plaxico Burress in a nightclub. If you have not seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out!
There are plenty of tough guys, goons, villains, and hard asses in sports movies. These are the ones atop my list. We want to hear your voice and know, who are your biggest hardo’s in sports movies are?
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