Hall of FameSports

Steph Curry: The Next Kazaam?

By December 4, 2015 No Comments

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Steph Curry is taking over the world. Not only is he the best shooter in the NBA, but people who don’t even care about basketball are obsessed with his personal life (see all the girls on my Facebook newsfeed who anxiously awaited the birth of “Baby Curry” last summer). Let’s face it, this kid is as marketable as a certain jumbo 90s icon. Yes, friends, Shaq is said giant.

To truly live up to Shaq, though, Steph needs to up his media game. Sure, he’s got those State Farm commercials, but CP3 beat him to the punch. What he needs is a Hollywood movie. Everybody loves embarrassingly bad movies starring athletes. I propose a Steph Curry reboot of Kazaam, Shaq’s 90s masterpiece.

The story will essentially be the same as Kazaam. The details, however, will be substantially different. First of all, our star can’t be a genie. Genies were so 1996! Instead, we’ll ride the last wave of the Harry Potter trend and make him a mystical wizard. Let’s call him Shazaam.

Next, we’ll need a vessel. If you were a cool 90s kid, then you might recall that Kazaam was summoned out of a derelict boom box. Children of the 2000s likely don’t know what the hell that is, so our wizard will be trapped in a first generation iPod. It’s just new enough to be recognized, but old enough to be considered a relic these days.

The conflict will center around a boy who’s being bullied. He will be played by Haley Joel Osment. I’m guessing he’s looking for work. The villain will undoubtedly be another famous athlete. I’m aiming for Greg Hardy, but if he’s unwilling to cooperate, I’ll look into the logistics of Aaron Hernandez filming scenes from jail. Can you say Oscar buzz?

Lastly, the conflict must be settled using Shazam’s mystical wizard powers. During a pivotal scene, he will solve everyone’s problems by swishing a half-court shot using a magical ball of energy. The children in the theater will applaud, thus waking the parents who had been sleeping, and voila! We have a certified blockbuster.

That’s my dream for how we take the Steph Curry phenomenon to the next level. Plus, it’s been a while since we’ve had an awesomely bad athlete kid’s movie. Like Mike happened way too long ago. This generation needs a Space Jam!

Rebecca Ramos

Rebecca Ramos

Business casual by week, sports chic by weekend. Originally from Pittsburgh, Rebecca bleeds Black and Gold and cites Casey Hampton as her all-time favorite Steeler. Warning: do not approach her directly after a Steelers loss.