Hall of FameSports

Steroids and Saved by the Bell: Bayside High’s Dark Secret

By June 6, 2013 No Comments
saved-by-the-bell-zack-steroids

saved-by-the-bell-zack-steroidsThere is a Wade Boggs like buzz this week in Major League Baseball. The Los Angeles Dodgers new phenom Yasiel Puig is tearing it up and is the talk of the town, star pitchers went to the DL with arms issues, and the story of the hour is clearly the Biogenesis steroid clinic being linked to more players than a Bill Bellamy movie has in it. Speaking of baseball, haven’t you always wondered why baseball was the only sport never mentioned or played in Saved By The Bell? Ponder it over and think about, I will give you a minute.

The only mention of the national pastime is when Zack skips school for religious purposes and gets ratted out by Jessie’s evil jackass stepbrother Eric when he catches a foul ball on TV at a Dodgers game. Naturally he replies he was sporting his “Dodger Blue Yarmulke”. End of all mentions. I am here to tell you why baseball was the black eye or asterisk Saved by the Bell did not want you to know about.

AC Slater was always the sports star, all-city in every sport he played. He was popular among all of the fans, ladies, and more importantly Kelly Kapowski. Slater was #3 in your program but #1 in your heart. This was not going to fly with preppy Zack Morris. Zack was enraged with jealousy and had to do something. So instead of going Tonya Harding on AC Slater, he sold his soul to the Devil aka BALCO –Bayside Area Lab Company.

Zack was athletic and good at sports, but could not get on Slater’s level. Only thing left to do was get every advantage he possibly could. As Slater continued to mash like Barry Bonds, Preppy was your average Brady Anderson. It all changed when he found Screech in Bayside’s lab doing experiments with animals and steroids like he previously had done with fake ID’s to help them get in to the Attic. Knowing it was wrong, Screech still went ahead and gave the juice to Zack despite his pleas only because Zack was cool. Morris was tired of being the Sammy Sosa to Slater’s Mark McGwire.

Soon Preppy was rounding the bases quicker than Antoine Walker blew through millions of dollars. He was the middle of the order stud who cruised the dugout with a circle of Grizzly Wintergreen in his back pocket and a chaw in his cheek the size of Dennis Martinez. He even had hardo third base coach Rod Belding helping him stealing signs. He was a runaway train and never coming back. Soon it all came crashing down when principal Belding saw brother Rod injecting Zack with steroids.

It was the week before the city championship against Valley and Zack was Bayside’s golden child who was going to be their ticket to victory. Preppy was the talk of the hall, had Kelly in his paws and every girl drooling over his every move. Zack was flying higher than Stanley Wilson the night before the Super Bowl. But then it all came crashing down when the Big Bopper caught him, telling Zack to do the right thing and resign from the team. Since Preppy was hopped up on the roids, he stuffed Belding into a locker like he was Screech.

Belding was as disappointed as the time young brother Rod skipped the school white water rafting trip to go bang some hooker stewardess. He called the state high school officials to have him drug tested. Zack had more juice in him than Ice Cube and Chris Tucker on a Friday and was suspended for the remainder of the year. Bayside was crushed by Valley in the championship and Morris let the school down and more importantly went back to second fiddle to AC Slater among the ladies.

Sad story. Jealousy getting the best of a teenage star. This is the lost story of baseball at Bayside High School and the black eye they did not want you to see. So when you look closely at Tony Bosch of Biogenesis, you see Zack Morris, the teen athlete who was good, but not good enough. He was enlisting baseball stars, trying to relive his high school days like Mark Chmura. And just like before, it all came crashing down.

 

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Tom Hamm

Tom Hamm

Cleveland sports freak living in Cincinnati who still owns an original Charlotte Hornets pullover. Obsessed with umpires strike 3 calls and ballpark nachos. Recreational games all-pro.