You know how in middle school, when a dude had a crush on a chica, he would always treat her like crap? Like, he would make fun of her in front of his friends and call her names, but secretly he was all about her. Well, that applies in adult world, too. In fact, there are even instances in professional sports.
Yes, this may come as a shock to you, but Terrell Suggs, feared Ravens linebacker and resident Ben Roethlisberger nemesis, has been hiding a shocking secret from us for years: He has the ultimate man crush on Big Ben.
Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Isn’t Suggs married?” Why, yes. Yes, he is. But tell me, did that stop A-Rod from going after Madonna? I think not!
You’re also probably wondering how this astonishing revelation has remained a secret for so long. To that, I simply reply, this isn’t the first time the Ravens organization has kept a huge secret in 2014.
But for realz, there is copious evidence that supports my theory here. Let’s take a gander into the Suggs-Roethlisberger file to further investigate:
1. No one has sacked Big Ben more times in his career than Terrell Suggs. Coincidence? I think not. It looks like someone loves to get Ben on his back.
2. In 2013, Big Ben said this about Suggs: “If he hits you and he hits you hard, he’s going to love it.” I really don’t think I need to dig deeper into that one. Pretty sure Ben said it all there.
3. Suggs said this about Big Ben’s stellar performance this past Sunday: “Congratulations to him. Whatever.” Now, some may construe this as the statement of a bitter man whose team just lost a bone-crushing game to a worthy adversary. But if you dig deeper, you’ll find that there is love behind this terse statement. T. Suggs is feebly attempting to mask his intense man crush with hateful words. We see right through you, Terrell!
4. Suggs is somehow always bleeding from his mouth when he plays the Steelers. OK, fine, this actually has nothing to do with his shameful man love for Big Ben. It’s just been bothering me for like five years now.
5. Suggs can’t wait for the two times a year he’s guaranteed a shot at number 7. I bet he draws hearts around the two Steelers games on his schedule at the beginning of every season out of sheer excitement. I mean, when else does he get to see his love in the flesh?
Yes, my friends, Terrell Suggs has been hiding his man crush on Big Ben for years. We should’ve seen this coming sooner, given all of the evidence that points to his love for the man behind the bumble bee uniform. Personally, I think Terrell should man up and hold a press conference on SportsCenter declaring his love for Big Ben. Can you imagine the ratings? Either way, stop hiding, Terrell! Let your heart be free!