The NFL Draft is glorious, just like Tecmo Super Bowl. We’ve all read countless mock drafts, heard a never-ending bevy of rumors, and watched the NFL Combine coverage so now it’s time to take things to the next level. I am here to hit you with a big board that will cause more debate than if Johnny Manziel should be starting over Brian Hoyer. This is a ranking sure to hit home with most of you crazed sports and video game nuts out there. These rankings are based on the best football video game in history, Nintendo’s cult status Tecmo Super Bowl. Without further ado, we give you the first installment of Bacon Sports and Tom Hamm’s Tecmo Super Bowl Draft: Offensive Big Board.
1. Bo Jackson: Best. Video. Game. Player. Ever. Tecmo Super Bowl begins and ends with Bo Jackson. End of debate. When you think of sports video games, you think Bo Jackson in Tecmo. 99 yard runs, out running entire defensive blitzes faster than Carmelo Anthony after sucker punches. Jackson is the Chuck Norris of Tecmo, so fast he does not need to zig-zag. If you were like me you would run kick offs backwards to the 1 yard line just to pad his stats. Tecmo Super Bowl’s equivalent to Mr. Perfect.
2. Jerry Rice: Hands down best receiver in the game and I will even hear the argument for Rice as #1 overall due to a strong stable of backs. Rice pulls down everything in sight, always carries a rating of excellent and catches more balls than a sorority girl. A WR with size and speed, he out runs double team and blitzes, and gets higher than Method Man to haul in the improbable catch. This guy even puts up 1700 yds+ receiving in seasons with the computer.
“Sometimes the QB will ignore an open receiver and throw into coverage, which rarely results in anything positive unless you have a player like Jerry Rice” – Tecmo Bowl Scout
Super Bowl Stars:
3. Barry Sanders: Just as advertised in NES as in real life. He is at his peak at the time of Tecmo, which tells you all you need to know. Single handedly carries the Lions offense and makes you forget how unbelievably crappy their roster is with Rodney Peete and Andre Ware as QBs. Fast, explosive, and a threat out of the backfield, Sanders is no doubt a franchise player. If he ever got injured there was a 100% chance you hit reset.
4. QB Eagles: Not only the best moniker, but the best and most dangerous QB in the game. The first true dual threat QB revolutionized the video game world. The shotgun formation with no receiver on the high side, was it a pass or a run? Either way Joe Namath had a better chance of kissing Suzy Kolber than the defense did stopping or containing Eagles. And there is no chance that you refer to him as Randal Cunningham, it is and will always be QB Eagles. Also a main reason the Eagles Starter jacket was so popular back in the day.
5. Christian Okoye: Mr 98 hitting power. He made people bounce more than Three-Six Mafia in the club. Simply unstoppable even when rated poor, he pops more corn than Orville Redenbacher. Even with such accolades I fully believe he is the most underappreciated stud in the game. This is a guy who you can count on late in the season even when the computer virtually shuts down all run games. Makes the Chiefs one of the best squads in the game.
6. Joe Montana: The man that pointed out John Candy in the end zone at the Super Bowl is the best of the QBs. Has the arm, the smarts, and Jerry Rice. Like Thurman Thomas, when you are surrounded with such awesome bridesmaids, you look great. The way he can put a ball on the money to Jerry Rice even when double and triple teamed was unparalleled. His arm and the fact that he is on a team that should be (and in my ring is) illegal, gives him the nod as the top traditional signal caller.
7. Thurman Thomas: This Hall of Famer packed speed and could shed defenders with a strong continual tap of the A button. Another threat on the ground or in the air, you have to keep an eye on him like he was Chris Brown around Rihanna. A distinct advantage Thomas had was he was tough to game plan for since he was surrounded with offensive weapons like QB Bills, Andre Reed, James Lofton. He is the Snack Pack of Tecmo RBs, a go to in which you know what you are getting and will never let you down.
8. Emmitt Smith: This young back is a sexy pick here. Just starting to rise like De La Soul, a young E. Smith is a cornerstone running back ahead of his time similar to a LeSean McCoy. He is the true package that can get the tough yards when needed but has the big play ability that strikes fear in the computer or your friend. Concerns on the Cowboys playbook keep Smith down a spot or two, but true veterans of Tecmo can develop him in this area.
9. Warren Moon: A known talent, but not recognized enough for how great he is in this game. Great arm, phenomenal surrounding talent, and has good wheels. Add in the Oilers money run and shoot playbook, sign me up. With the Oilers having one of the best old school color schemes, what is their not to like about Moon? Plus this was before he allegedly sexually harassed a Viking cheerleader, so no off field concerns.
10. John Elway: Mr. Horsemouth can sling a ball 100 yards or fire it in to tight windows no problem. This superstar has a stable (no pun intended) of receivers that benefit from his big play ability. When you make Vance “I beat my wife” Johnson and Ricky Nattiel above average, you clearly are a great quarterback. Elway is most valuable late in the season when the passing game tightens with his ability to improvise and move the chains. Will throw the occasional pick when trying to make something out of nothing.
11. Dan Marino: Slipping on the Isotoners and some awesomely awful getup, Marino has a rocket arm and can spin the pigskin to anyone. He has a strong duo in the Mark’s brothers (Duper and Clayton) and shows his true worth in being able to win games with his arm. A QB you will not hesitate to have on your team, rate him slightly below the top 3 QBs on concern of a backfield that makes the 2013 Cleveland Browns backfield look like Bo Jackson on steroids.
12. Andre Rison: I see a bad moon Rison. He is a superstar with an uncanny knack to locate and get the ball. Factor in the speed and you are getting an elite talent in Rison. Questionable off field character hurts his status, but from a talent perspective hard to find a better receiver. He even excels with less than average talent from QB – see Miller, Chris. A # 1 receiver with perennial Pro Bowl talent as long as he does not date chicks from rap groups who have a thing for arson.
13. Drew Hill: Hill is undersized but is a high riser like De La Soul for his unquestionable ability as a game changer. A MacGyver like jack of all trades player, Hill has breakaway speed as a receiver. However, what makes him so special is his speed and ability to create matchup problems nightmares. If you put him in the Oilers run and shoot offense as a running back, absolute game changer. One of the best kept secrets in the game. Try it. Hell, throw him back to return kicks too.
14. QB Bills: Unquestionable arm, plays in a tough climate, has the leadership intangibles. The QB who is the poster child of the 8 bit QB celebration of Tecmo, knows how to circle the wagons. Has the type of upside you want in a QB, with the potential to lead your team to 4 consecutive Super Bowl losses. Again he is even better when surrounded with talent. Not much in fleet of foot, but makes up for it with a strong arm capable of the 100 yard bomb to Andre Reed.
15. Andre Reed: Similar to Rison in a has it all/do it all receiver. Has the speed to separate from coverage and can jump out of the gym and grab moon ball tosses. Team player that can win you games but is mature and unselfish to share touches with teammates. Stock rises even more when he is catching passes from QB Bills, and seeing single coverage as defense has to respect Thurman Thomas.
16. Herschel Walker: Surprisingly a little lower than one might expect. But in Tecmo doing 1000 push ups and sits ups everyday will only get you taking hand offs from Wade Wilson and Rich Gannon, barf. Still has the stuff of a feature back with the strength and speed you would expect. His team makes it easy for opposing defenses to lock in on him. Throw in a shitty play book (subject to change with experienced users) and you are left to desire just a little more.
17. Sterling Sharpe: Phenomenal Tecmo stud here. Has blazing speed, runs great routes, and can jump to the sky to haul in crappy Don Majkowski overthrows. Would be much higher on my board except he plays on such a miserable squad that is one injury away from Anthony Dilweg having to shovel him the ball and Green Bay has one of the worst play books in Tecmo.
Under the Radar & Rising:
18. Neal Anderson: You will not find a more solid running back that gets less credit in Tecmo. Anderson has the speed to break away, moves to slip free from heavy computer blitzes, and knows how to catch the ball, which is amazing in itself with Jim Harbaugh flinging the pigskin for the Bears.
19. Anthony Miller: Stud, vastly underrated. Despite being on an average roster, Miller makes plays. You often find him atop the AFC and NFL leaderboard come the end of a season. Miller is a receiver I want on my team any day of the week.
20. Gil Fenerty: Probably the player that will turn the most heads in this spot. Screw Merrill Hoge and his factor back crap. Gil “the Thrill” Fenerty is the real factor back and wears a normal tie as opposed to a knot the size of Barry Bonds head. The best kick returner in the game and you won’t tell me otherwise. You throw him in the Saints offense as a receiver or even ahead of Dalton Hilliard and you now have a brand new Saints team.
I want to hear from you Bacon Sports Nation. Do you agree with these rankings? Who is too high or too low? Is there a player you believe should be included but was left off? Let us know why on Twitter @BaconSports or in the comments. Like us, you have spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, and years on the Tecmo trail and should be experts as well. It is your show, REACT to us!