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What if Tim Tebow, Ryan Lochte and Kris Humpries had Dating Profiles?

By October 1, 2013 No Comments
athlete-dating-service

athlete-dating-serviceI’m a single man who doesn’t exactly get a lot of dates. If I do, I usually find a way to ruin them. I was watching football Sunday and an eHarmony commercial came on, and I wondered to myself if dating websites actually work? Then I went on to think what if there was a dating website for professional athletes. Here’s what three dating profiles might look like for some high profile athletes.

Ryan Lochte

What it do ladies?? My name is Ryan Lochte and I’m the coolest cat any of you have or will ever meet.

I own twice as many shoes as you do. I have my own trademarked word, “Jeah”. I mean you can pretty much use it in any situation, I’m a GENIUS!

I have a rocking body that is completely clean-shaven. I mean seriously, Google it. I make my own workout videos, because I know there are some men out there that want this bod.

I’m the world’s greatest swimmer. I can introduce you Michael Phelps, he and I go way back. Are we BFF’S?? JEAH we are!! Did you Google my abs yet?? If you pick a date with me, you can be on my reality TV show.

As for downfalls, the competition wishes there were some. I’m just that amazing. JEAH!

Tim Tebow

Hello ladies, my name is Tim and I’m 26 years old. I found this site by recommendation from my profile on christianmingle.com. I’m currently unemployed but I have worked for multi-million dollar companies in Denver, New York, and Boston.

An interesting thing about me is that I was born in the Philippines. I’m very religious, so much so that I kneel down for a prayer after achieving any sort of success. I have been known to wear Bible verses on my eye black. For a short time, I made people stop whatever they were doing during the fourth quarter of my days on the job and watch me beat up on lesser opponents.

I enjoy running in the rain and I have been working to build a children’s hospital in the Philippines where I grew up.

As for my downfalls, I once played for the New York Jets and backed-up some guy named Mark Sanchez. I was once rumored to be dating Taylor Swift (half her new album is probably about me). I’m a virgin until marriage.

Kris Humphries

Good evening ladies. My name is Kris and I’m 28 years old. I’m a gentleman from Minnesota. Have you ever heard the phrase “Minnesota nice”?? That phrase was created because of my chivalry.

I’m currently a member of the Boston Celtics basketball team and have appeared in commercials with James Harden. Basketball isn’t the only sport I’m good at though. I was the nation’s second best swimmer when I was ten years old. The kid in first place grew up to become the greatest Olympian of all time.

I’m hoping to find a nice country girl I can settle down with because I’ve had quite the dating history. One of my ex-girlfriends went on to win the Canadian version of the Bachelor and had Canadian men salivating. My current ex-wife, yeah I’ve been married before, is Kim Kardashian who has American men salivating. My divorce settlement took more than time than the actual length of the marriage. I can’t go anywhere without being reminded of her.

I feel like everybody hates Kris, but I feel like I’m just being misunderstood.

 

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Brian Butteris

Brian Butteris

I love the Greeen Bay Packers, Wisconsin Badgers, Detroit Pistons, and Milwaukee Brewers. People ask me all the time "why don't you like the Milwaukee Bucks?". I reply with the fact that nobody actually cheers for the Bucks because it's a lost cause. I study Elementary Education at the University of Wisconsin- Platteville.