After Months of speculation on the future of his career, Tim Tebow miraculously found an NFL team to sign him. This team was the New England Patriots. While they have some guy named Brady at QB, Tebow can help their team in other ways. Though these ways may have nothing to do with producing on the field, they could be the things that finally get the Patriots over the hump once again.
1. Elevate Their Spy Game to a whole new level
There are only two phone numbers in the whole World that people want to get their hands on, Kate Upton’s and God’s and Tebow has one of them. Since the Patriots got caught spying a few years back, they had to cease with this tactic but Tebow could change that. Being the close, personal friend to God that he is, all Tebow has to do is say a few words and he can have God watching over every Patriots game. With the man upstairs giving him the goods, Tebow could make James Bond’s spying look like Mr. Magoo. Besides, God owes Tim a favor after making him suffer on the Jets last year. With God watching over the sidelines the Patriots could be unstoppable.
2. Gronk’s Wing Man
Yes, Gronk doesn’t need a wingman but going out with Tebow will be very beneficial. It would be the deadliest one-two combo to hit the clubs since Pauly D and The Situation were in their prime. With Tebow by his side, Gronk will attract twice the amount of girls and will be sleeping with more women than Barney Stinson. He will also have to spend less time getting the women’s attention which means that he will be spending less hours in the club and can use this extra time to focus on what’s really important, banging porn stars (and football).
3. Local Business Commercial Star
Local commercials starring athletes usually feature worse acting than an Adam Sandler movie and take up time a player could be using to practice. Since Tebow is horrible at practicing anyways, he could film every local commercial for the Patriots this year. When you’re as good looking as Tebow, people will overlook your bad acting, just ask Matthew McConaughey. Plus, Tebow selling your product is as good as it gets. People trust Tebow. He is the kid who lives next door that you want your daughter to date instead of the guy with the tattoos and the motorcycle she is currently seeing. It is a win, win for everyone.
4. Tom Brady’s Ugg’s protector
Only a few things matter to Brady in life, his kids, his wife, football and his Uggs. Brady without his Uggs is like Zack Morris without his gigantic cellphone. Sure, Uggs may be for women, but don’t tell Brady that. The one downfall to wearing Uggs, besides looking like you borrowed your girlfriend’s shoes, is that they get ruined in the rain. Tebow could help prevent the stress on Brady of his Uggs getting ruined by following him around with an umbrella whenever it rains. What Fonzworth Bentley was to P.Diddy, Tebow could be for Brady. This way, Brady’s feet will always be comfortable and he never has to worry about his favorite pair of women’s footwear getting ruined.
Just kidding, paying Keanu Reeves to pretend to be Shane Flacco would be a better third-string QB than Tebow and probably cheaper.
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