Tony Little’s Gazelle Freestyle commercials always made me laugh because of the absurdity of the Gazelle Freestyle moves. It wasn’t until yesterday when I watched this video that I realized how much of a grade A creeper Tony Little was. As if rocking spandex shorts and a ponytail weren’t enough of a signal, the second Tony Little opens his mouth it is nothing but not so subtle “I want to bang you” innuendoes directed towards his co-host Darla Haun.
Right out of the gates Tony talks about how the Gazelle Freestyle can help you with your love life then proceeds to go tandem with Darla on the Gazelle like it’s some sort of sex swing. He thrusts his junk right into her booty and makes it seem like this is business as usual use. While this is going on Tony takes a page from Mystery and tries to throw out some negs. They are terrible and it further displays his lack of game and creeper status.
When Tony isn’t directly being a perv to Darla he makes sure that any time he says the word “buttocks” that he emphasizes it like he’s a fourth grader saying 69. He creepily segues to the butt squeeze move (how convenient) where he indicts Darla of wanting to touch his ass by saying, “I see you wanted to touch…NOT THIS SHOW!” Darla has no other course of action than to laugh and acquiesce for fear of having to go tandem again with Tony Little’s acorns smushed against her ass.
At the 1:47 mark Tony goes back to the well with the tandem idea again, this time going ass to ass like he’s in some sort of power bottom competition. At this point Darla wishes that someone invented Life Alert but for when dudes are creepin. She gets Tony off the Gazelle, reluctantly, and without missing a beat he’s back into creep mode telling her that in order to do the triple glide that she has to take her jacket off. At this point any of the cameramen or people in attendance should be liable for not stopping a crime.
At the 2:30 mark we have confirmation that Stockholm Syndrome is a real thing as Darla wants to do the turbo challenge but Tony won’t let her. Next thing you know she takes her jacket off, exposing an even more revealing sports bra, and she goes buck wild on the Gazelle. Like Mr. Burns, Tony Little is thinking to himself, “excellent!”
I have no clue where Darla Haun is now but if she hasn’t been seen for a few days or years then someone please check Tony Little’s basement. She’s probably down there doing a never ending loop of triple glides and butt squeeze’s in a sports bra.