Webster, the foremost authority on word definitions, defines a midget as “something much smaller than usual.” Marvin Lewis, über classy head coach of the Cincinnati Bungles, defines a midget as Johnny Manziel. Apparently dudes who are six feet tall are midgets now. This is news to me. In honor of Mr. Lewis’s latest boneheaded comment, let’s discuss the top 5 midget quarterbacks who have graced the NFL with their presence.
1. Drew Brees
Well, it’s no surprise we’re starting with one of the most popular current quarterbacks in the NFL. Not only is he referred to as Drew Breesus, in Louisiana, but I think the dude even hangs out with Matthew McConaughey or something. Not too shabby for a guy who’s all of six feet tall (allegedly) and has a receding hairline on par with that of Landon Donovan. I guess it pays to lead the league in passing yards almost every year, huh?
2. Russell Wilson
Sure, we hate his American Family Insurance commercials, but 5’11” bro’s marketability is undeniable. Dude already has a Super Bowl ring and an MLB contract, and he’s only 26. My money’s on Rusty to take over the world, Pinky and the Brain-style someday. Only time will tell if he becomes the first NFL quarterback to successfully run for and acquire the presidency, but I got my money on this midge!
3. Doug Flutie
Flutie Flakes! Admit it, you bought them. At an astonishing 5’10”, Doug Flutie is one of the most midgetal men on this quarteback list, but he has the biggest heart. Who doesn’t love this Boston College success story? Who doesn’t remember that Hail Mary? I wasn’t even alive when that happened and even I can picture it in my mind. Flutie was the real deal. These days, you can find Douglas playing drums in the Flutie Brothers Band. I wish I were making this up.
4. Seneca Wallace
Remember Seneca Wallace? Unless you’re a Browns fan, I’m going to guess you don’t. This 5’11” midget was an absolute stud for Cleveland NEVER in his career. Come to think of it, Wallace never really panned out in the NFL. But a midget he is, so he makes the list by default. Well, a midget by Marvin Lewis’s standards.
5. Eddie LeBaron
I definitely had to dig into the archives for this one, but Eddie LeBaron just might be the king of the midget quarterback. At 5’7”, he’s the Muggsy Bogues of football, and I’m positive Marvin Lewis would have had a thing or two to say about this guy in the press conferences leading up to their teams meeting. Except Marvin might have taken it a step further and called him a dwarf. Not cool, Marvin. Not cool at all.
Those are the 5 greatest midget quarterbacks of all time. Sure, this list is entirely irrelevant, but thanks to Marvin Lewis, we get to examine abnormally short dudes who happen to throw a football really well (or if you’re Seneca Wallace, not so well). I can only hope Chuck Pagano makes an ignorant comment about J.J. Watt being an ogre before the Colts and Texans square off this Sunday so next week’s article writes itself.