Toronto, Go F yourself. Love Cleveland

By May 15, 2013June 18th, 2018No Comments

maple-leafs-choke-clevelandSo the Toronto Maple Leafs choked harder than Bob from Bill Swerski’s Superfans, blowing an insurmountable 4-1 lead with 10 minutes to go to the Boston Bruins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. You have to feel for Toronto right? A city and nation starving to get back to the playoffs for the first time in 9 years, on the verge of a huge come from behind series victory upset and riots through the streets of downtown Toronto. Wrong. I don’t give a shit or feel sorry for you. I am from Cleveland.

Do not give me this was heart-wrenching, heart pulled out of your chest, it was going to be a victory for the city stuff. Cleveland sports have played with my emotions like Twista does with hoes. I have dealt with it daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and hell for my entire life. I should be predisposed to the feeling and should not get so emotionally attached, yet I drink the Kool-Aid like it was EctoCooler and still end up feeling like I did when the world lost Tupac.

Let’s start by looking at titles they have. The Blue Jays 92′ and 93′ World Series titles, two of my favorite title squads of all time, 13 Stanley Cup winning Maple Leafs squads, the Raptors who are the biggest melting pot team of all time and eliminated a huge hole by ridding themselves of Chris Bosh, and kick in the Argonauts the reigning CFL Gray cup champions to join their 15 other titles. The closest thing I have to a recent title is the Cleveland Crunch winning an indoor soccer title in 1995, yeah we count that because it’s the closest we have gotten to a real title since 1948. I would give Antoine Walker’s career earnings before bankruptcy for a title.

Cleveland sports teams are most famously known for blowing more leads than the amount of cocaine Matt Jones blows. I have lived through the worst of the worst. The Drive, Earnest Byner crapping down his leg and ruining my Dad’s dream trip to the Super Bowl, The Shot- which you can see on Sportscenter every other segment, Jose Mesa and his gas can blowing Cleveland’s first title since 1948 (I will never forgive Tony Fernandez either). Not enough, oh you may have forgotten that LeBron James spurned the city on national TV and ripped our collective hearts out.

The Indians lost, choked a 3-1 lead to the Red Sox in the ALCS with Cy Young winner Captain Cheeseburger Sabathia on the hill at home. The Cavs blew four different games this season up by 20 points. One was a 4th quarter collapse in under 9 minutes. And do not get me started on the current state of the Cleveland Browns, they have already trimmed years off my life.

I digress. Bottom line is us Cleveland sports fans suffer and have been through the wringer. But no one feels bad for us, they just point and laugh and remind us how our river caught on fire and we are the “Mistake on the Lake”. I do not feel one ounce of sorrow or remorse for the people of Toronto after their Cleveland-like collapse. When it becomes routine come back and we can talk.

I like Toronto as a city, I really do. Great people, a melting pot of society, home to Hedo Turkoglu, a downtown where it is easy to black out quicker than Lindsay Lohan (I’m looking to you Eglington and Yonge streets). Pizza Pizza, Blue, dipping your fries in gravy-don’t knock it rock it, and maple syrup. But when it comes to sports and sympathy for their latest hack job, they can go eat a bag of …..



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Tom Hamm

Tom Hamm

Cleveland sports freak living in Cincinnati who still owns an original Charlotte Hornets pullover. Obsessed with umpires strike 3 calls and ballpark nachos. Recreational games all-pro.