The first Saturday in May is upon us and that means it is time for the Kentucky Derby. A time when every casual sports fan acts like they are well versed wise guys as they enjoy the most exciting two minutes in sports and get buzzed on mint juleps. The Derby is like old school WWE, where anything can happen and often does as a favorite has not won since 2008.
So what’s the key to picking a winner? As a former avid horse player who used to study the forms like I was cramming for the S.A.T’s I say there isn’t any. I had better luck letting my dog pick the winner. So here are some unique strategies that I have used and won with that may assist you when laying down a bet this weekend.
The Endowment angle:
Some of you may know what it’s like to run as fast as you can with your junk flopping around like clothes in a dryer. To prevent that man created jock straps. However, the only jocks that horses have are the ones on their back. This strategy worked in 2003 when Funny Cide, who was a gelding (which means he was castrated), won the race.
The Hot Chick angle:
If there is anything I have learned over the course of watching Baywatch it is that most hot chicks are not the brightest. The Kentucky Derby gives you an opportunity to briefly interact with a large hat wearing beautiful woman. Find the hottest chick at the wagering facility you are at and ask her who she likes. She definitely won’t say you but will likely give you some sentimental antidote about how the number two horse reminds her of Grandma. This strategy worked in 1998 when Real Quiet won. On a side note I later found out her granny was in a coma.
Bet em’ all:
This angle has the highest success rate just like Mariano Rivera on the hill in the ninth. Let’s say you bet two bucks to win on each of the twenty horses. You are guaranteed a winner but how much you get back will depend on who wins. Last year the winning horse paid about thirty-two to one to win so you would have lost eight bucks. However, in 2009 this strategy netted a sixty dollar profit when a fifty to one long shot crossed the wire. Winner winner chicken dinner.
Good luck to you in whichever strategy you choose. Hopefully you are bringing home the bacon and the hot chick with granny issues.
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