What fans of putrid MLB teams have to look forward to this season

By March 31, 2013June 18th, 2018No Comments

cubs-pirates-fans(in a Bruce Buffer voice) IT IS TIME!

Those readers who were lucky enough to join the BaconSports NCAA Bracket Challenge know that I am not thinking about basketball right now; I’m thinking baseball season.

Of course, it’s easy to be excited for baseball if you’re a fan of the Texas Rangers or Washington Nationals, but what if you support the Florida Marlins or the (newly turned AL) Houston Astros? It’s a little harder.

So this article is for you, the fans of the underfinanced, underdeveloped, and just plain bad. I found a reason for each of you to look forward to this baseball season, even if your team can’t exactly fill you with pride on the field of play.

There is always a reason to be excited for baseball.

The Chicago Cubs

Cubs fans have very little to look forward to on the field before 2015. On the plus side, the team is working on getting a mascot! That might not exactly get the baseball juices flowing, but think of it this way: if the Cubs have a real mascot, then we can finally put to rest their current cheerleader and general annoyance, Ronnie Woo Woo.

For those that don’t know, Ronnie is a 72 year old, formerly homeless, man that dresses in a full Cubs uniform and screeches “Cubs…Woo…Cubs…Woo” over and over and over. Most of the time, he can only harass other fans outside the stadium, but every once in while someone gives him a ticket and he is able to annoy fans throughout the game. Thank God Cubs fans don’t care about the actual game being played anyways. He, like everything else from the ‘lovable losers’ era, makes President Theo’s skin crawl and needs to go.

The Miami Marlins

I was tempted to say that Marlins fans should just enjoy Giancarlo Stanton and his super baseball powers before the team trades him away to the Toronto Blue Jays, but then you would be lost when he’s gone. Luckily, when Stanton is traded, you will still have Logan Morrison to look forward to.

LoMo was sent to AAA last season despite playing well. Why? Many believe it is because the team has issues with what he posts on twitter. Morrison was simply ahead of his time in being a player who’s critical of Marlins management. Still, thanks to that management gutting the team, the Marlins are forced to play LoMo, no matter what crazy shit he says and does.

Morrison was a minor league player and has almost 124,000 followers on twitter. That’s an estimated (by me) 100,000 more people than will go to Marlins Park this season. Once Stanton is gone, LoMo will be, by far, the most interesting thing going on in and around the Marlins. Skip the game, watch the press conferences.

Oh, also, they have a Groupon for two games and a $10 gift card for $20.  Can’t beat that.

The Pittsburgh Pirates

Once a team reaches a certain level of ineptitude, it almost becomes impressive in itself. I’m pretty sure if players were put together at random every year, with no concern for positions or if the players even play baseball, a team would have come along that would have gotten a winning record faster than it’s taken the Pirates. That fact could be a source of shame, but I say, Pittsburgh fans, celebrate each defeat. It’s rare that you can witness history in person on a daily basis. This team is so bad that with every game, you will be doing just that.

The Colorado Rockies

Other than like two players (Cargo and Tulo), the Rockies are basically a Triple-A team. Luckily, tickets to Rockies games cost less than AAA games. Tickets to the “Rockpile” section cost $4 per person. FOUR DOLLARS. When I said that you couldn’t beat the Marlins Groupon deal, I was very wrong. You can’t beat this. I don’t care what’s happening down on the field, it is definitely worth at least as much as a meatball sub from SUBWAY. As a Rockies fan once told me, “They may suck, but I can go to a game and get drunk for as much as it costs you to go to a game.” Touché.

The Houston Astros

Um…uh…You will probably see the World Series winner a few times because they will likely be in your division. Does that do anything for ya? No? Sorry.

At least you have Lance Berkman. I would love to yell “Big Puma” every time he wobbled up to the plate. Oh wait, he’s on the Texas Rangers now? Crap. Well, just think about the time when the Astros had Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio. Maybe that’ll help make you feel better about Philip Humber being your third starter.

So, there you go. Fans of bad teams, rejoice in the excitement I just bestowed upon you. Everyone else, be happy that your team isn’t listed above. That means they at least have some chance to compete.