007-373-5963. For some of you I don’t even need to say what that number represents. Like that sweet tribal tattoo you got in college, it never leaves you. For everyone else it’s the cheat code to jump straight to fighting Tyson in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. That series of numbers along with “up up down down left right left right B A B A select start” (for two players) are permanently burned into the brains of any kid who was raised in the 80’s.
Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out was arguably the best Nintendo sports game ever so we wanted to give homage to it by adding our usual Bacon Sports twist. We recently re-casted the movie Blue Chips using NBA players so we thought it would be fun to do the same with Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out. So go grab your bean bag chair, some Grape Fanta, and a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut as we are about to take you back down memory lane.
Little Mac – Allen Iverson
Surprisingly this was the toughest guy to pick but I have to go with Iverson. Although he and Little Mac don’t exactly look like twins, The Answer got more out of his size than any other player in NBA history. Little Mac is listed at 107 lbs which is about 7 lbs more than Iverson but both of these guys could take a hell of a beating. He single-handedly carried the Sixers to the finals on a team that started Eric Snow, Aaron Mckie, Tyrone Hill, and Mount Mutombo. That is even more of an achievement than beating Mike Tyson one out of 100 times.
Doc Louis – Avery Johnson
There is a reason Avery is nicknamed the Little General. At a generous 5’11”, he was a very good point guard and a great leader. He has already taken one team to the Finals as a coach and seems like the ultimate motivator. Avery could easily get Iverson to pedal 100 miles to the Statue of Liberty if he was screaming in his ear with that badass Southern accent.
Glass Joe – Jeff Hornacek
Maybe it’s just because of how he looked but I have to say this is one of the weakest players in NBA history. Sure he hit a big shot or two, but he would get 20+ dropped on him every game which is the equivalent to getting knocked out 45 seconds into the first round and having a 1-99 career record.
Von Kaiser – Dirk Nowitzki
Sure, the German finally won his first title two years back beating the Heat in six games. He finally showed some heart but that doesn’t mean he is anywhere near tough. He has repeatedly been shut down in the playoffs by far inferior teams and players. He is a pushover. Even his patented fade away reminds me of the dumb shimmy that Von Kaiser does. He has one move. If you can stop it (which most people can), you’re moving on to the next round.
Piston Honda – Kevin Garnett
The fakest tough guy in the league. He looks tough with that scowl just like Piston Honda, but it’s all a front. Just to name a few guys who Garnett has tried to pick fights with: Jose Calderon, Charlie Villanueva, Andrew Bogut, JJ Barea, Amare, Channing Frye, and Zaza Pachulia. Enough said.
Don Flamenco – Tony Parker
The pretty little Frenchie. Chauncey Billups was famous for yelling out “mouse in the house” whenever Parker would try to guard him on the block. He has had a good career but I still think he is soft and has ridden the coattails of the greatest PF of all time to four championships.
King Hippo – Big Country Bryant Reeves
How in the world was this guy drafted 6th overall? There are a few other guys that fit the bill such as Robert “Tractor” Traylor, and Oliver “The Winnebago” Miller but I’ll give the nod to Reeves based on having the best nickname of the three.
Great Tiger – Russ Westbrook
Great Tiger is the quickest guy in the game so this was an easy choice. Depending on which Russ shows up, he can drop 35 on you or shoot 5-30. If you overlook the Great Tiger he can light you up with that jewel and hand you a first round TKO.
Bald Bull – Sir Charles Barkley
One of my favorite players of all time, Barkley really should be toward the end of this list because he was not and still isn’t afraid of anybody. He was a wrecking ball when coming down the lane and could knock anybody on their ass just like Bald Bull unless you timed the punch exactly right.
Soda Popinski – Larry Bird
This was a toss-up between Bird and Vin “Gin” Baker. But in the recent documentary on the 1992 Dream Team (which was phenomenal by the way), Sir Charles had this to say about Larry Legend. “I made the mistake of going out drinking with [Larry Bird] one night and I still to this day do not remember how I got back to my hotel room. Larry does Budweiser, and for some reason Budweiser is the strongest beer in the world.”
Mr. Sandman – Robert Horry
Is there anyone else to even consider for this spot? Big Shot Bob put so many teams to sleep with his daggers. The guy has seven championships and the best check into the boards in NBA history which resulted in Amare and Boris Diaw (back when Boris was below three bills) getting suspended for the next playoff game.
Super Macho Man – Wilt Chamberlain
The main reason that Wilt would fit the bill as Super Macho Man is all of his “conquests” off of the court (rumored to be 20,000!). But he was also the best scorer and rebounder of his time which meant he was no slouch down low (get it?!).
Mike Tyson – Dennis Rodman
Are there players in the league that were tougher than Rodman? Probably. Was he the biggest headache in the league to play against? Absolutely. Whether he was tossing someone aside to get a rebound, antagonizing the hell out of Karl Malone, or body-slamming anybody who dared to defy the nWo, Rodman was not a guy you would want to mess with.
It’s hard to find anyone that compares to Tyson, considering the guy was arrested 38 times before the age of 13, sexually assaulted a woman, bit off Holyfield’s ear, got a tattoo ON HIS FACE, and declared bankruptcy after making over $300 million in his career. Then again, Rodman lost his V-card at the age of 20 to a prostitute, married Carmen Electra, dated Madonna, dyed his hair 1341 times and showed up to a book signing in a wedding dress. Numerous arrests, plenty of rehab stints and one hell of a video game between the two.
What do you think of my choices? Are there any glaring omissions or players that you think should have made the list?
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