What if you were a slice of bacon?

By March 4, 2013June 18th, 2018No Comments

bacon-guyI just had a dream the other night that I was a giant filet–o-fish. What if instead of a filet-o-fish I was a giant slice of bacon? What would it be like to be bacon and I’m not talking about Kevin? Would I perish in the heat like a Haitian marathon runner? Would my posse consist of a bunch of dogs following me around and trying to sniff my butt? I think there is parallel between being bacon and being a pro athlete which we will look at more closely.

When we look at athletes we have certain expectations for them to perform, to step up big when the game is on the line, to be the hero like Mario saving Princess Toadstool from Bowser. Being bacon you would be expected to step up big and rescue someone whose stomach was rumbling and sounded like a Chumbawumba concert. Bacon delivers each and every time. Under pressure bacon doesn’t shrivel up like George Costanza in a swimming pool.

Bacon is a superstar on and off of the breakfast table. It is highly regarded in the media; even Skip Bayless enjoys a slice. It also has it critics like doctors who try to strike fear in you by telling you what bacon can do to your body. Everyone wants that chance to get a piece of bacon just like they want to meet their favorite athlete or have that athlete retweet them because it is their birthday.

In sports there are great rivalries such as Lakers-Celtics, Steelers-Ravens, and Yankees-Red Sox. Each morning bacon squares off with its bitter rival, sausage. Both originate from the same place, call them cross pig rivals if you will, and both are trying to be the king of the breakfast table. For my dollar dollar bill ya’ll bacon is a clear cut winner which dominates its opponent like Little Mac owning Glass Joe.

Athletes that perform at consistently high levels for a long period of time are considered Hall of Famers. After they retire they wait and in some cases like Cris Carter they wait and wait and wait and wait. If somewhere there is a breakfast Hall of Fame bacon would be a sure fire first ballot candidate but that means it would have to retire first which would make the world a sadder place. So carry on bacon and continue to delight millions on a daily basis. You are the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.




Pittsburgh Sports fan, retired sumo wrestler and hopefully a future reality TV star. All about the bacon, I bring it home daily.