Why everyone should root against the Pittsburgh Pirates

By April 4, 2013June 18th, 2018No Comments

bad-pirates-fansSports fans from Pittsburgh are obnoxious, loud, love to waive around their Terrible Towels and act all yinzerish, and can be less refined than a can of Iron City beer. I know, I am one of them. Can you imagine what they’d be like if the Pirates were also good and not the doormat that they are every year? God help us all. That’s why everyone should be heavily rooting against the Pittsburg Pirates.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have won the most Super Bowls of any team and are a perennial contender to win it every year. They’ve got a two time Super Bowl winning quarterback under center and the expectations are always Super Bowl or bust. The Pittsburgh Penguins currently sit atop the Eastern Conference standings and have the two greatest hockey players on earth (Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin). Anything less than two more Stanley Cup’s out of them would be an utter disappointment.

With all the success that these two franchises have had and will likely continue to have, the lack of success by the Pirates should not draw sympathy from anyone. The Pirates currently hold the all sports record for most consecutive losing seasons at 20. Ask any Pirates fan about this or their thoughts on the team and it’s probably going to come across as woe is me, feel bad for us, or it’s so hard to root for the Pirates. Bitch please. Go talk to people from Cleveland about what losing is like. They are the ones with true pain.

Just because I’m from Pittsburgh doesn’t mean that I’m not a rational sports fan. I know that no one enjoys hearing people who root for teams that win complain. If somehow a miracle happened and Pedro Alvarez turned into Miguel Cabrera and Wandy Rodriguez turned into Clayton Kershaw and the Pirates not only finished better than .500 but won the division and made the playoffs then watch out. Yinzers would become more insufferable than watching an endless loop of the Kathy Griffin show.

The last thing that the sports world needs is one of the louder fan bases winning on all fronts. Remember when the Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox, and Patriots were all winning titles within a few year span of each other? Ya, that made Boston fans, who are already Otis Nixon levels of high on the obnoxious meter, pretty much unbearable. That time period actually switched me from disliking the Yankees more to disliking the Red Sox more. Not that I’m a hater but everyone has an opinion on those two franchises and Boston fans just wouldn’t stop chirping.

What’s damn near impossible for sports fans to do is win gracefully. Maybe it’s the 10 Bud Lights that we drank during the game or the endless loop on Sportscenter of the top teams highlights. Either way, when your team wins you are going to let the world know about it. Pittsburgh fans already let the world know that they exist and that’s with the Pirates being putrid. If the Pirates start to play winning baseball then don’t say I didn’t warn you. It could get ugly.


Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.