Sports

Top 20 Storylines of the Super Bowl

By January 23, 2012 No Comments

Over the next two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl the media is going to jam down our throats so many repetitive and useless stories that we’ll long for the days of hearing a Pedro Gomez report on the Barry Bonds scandal just to mix things up. The New England Patriots and New York Giants already did this once before so the content is likely to be as fresh as a DJ Jazzy Jeff beat. Here are the top 20 story lines (in no order) that either will be heard ad nauseum or need to get more play.

  1. David Tyree’s catch. The over/under on number of times that this play is mentioned or shown to any one person has to be around 130 (13 days x 10 times per day). Even that feels a bit light. By the way, has that big of a play ever happened to that crappy of a player…ever? For his career he only had 56 catches for 650 yards and 4 TD’s.
  2. Not enough about Tiki Barber being a horrible person: He left his pregnant wife to go bang a 23 year old blonde. Everyone but John Lackey thinks that’s a shady move.
  3. Archie Manning: I am as interested in Archie Manning as I am in Pogs, Michael Lohan, anything Skip Bayless says, or anything to do with steroids. If something about Archie comes on you can be sure that I’ll be switching over to the Deuce to see if the Great Outdoor Games is on rerun.
  4. Not enough about Giselle: ESPN should implement a rule. For every time they mention David Tyree, Archie Manning, or Peyton Manning (who are all not involved in this game at all) they should mention or show Giselle. I can guarantee the ratings will be about 100x better.
  5. Brett Favre: It’s just not possible for the major networks to talk about football without somehow Brett Favre being mentioned. It’s like trying to talk about Top Gun and not mentioning the volleyball scene where Mav plays the entire game in jeans despite it being about 110 degrees outside or the fact that he asks to shower at a chicks place on the first date.
  6. Eli Manning’s quote about how he is an elite quarterback: This will get play because it’s a rarity that an athlete actually backs up what he says. Now we get to hear analysts says that they knew that Eli Manning was an elite quarterback this entire time. In the event that Eli throws 4 INT’s and the Giants lose by 40 everyone will say “I knew he wasn’t an elite quarterback, he’s still just Eli Manning”.
  7. Chad Ochocinco: A key contributor to the Patriots success this year is finally getting his shot at winning a Super Bowl. I’m putting my money on him to win the Super Bowl MVP. My guess is that he’s been playing chicken all year to make everyone think that he has nothing left in the tank and isn’t a threat. Then when the Giants overlook him he’ll go out and catch 10 balls for 150 yards and 2 TD’s. Yep, that’s what’s going to happen.
  8. Peyton Manning: There might be 1000 different story lines about him despite the fact that he didn’t even play football this year and is not involved in this game in any way. Is he retiring? Is Rob Lowe his new agent? How does he feel about Eli playing in his house? Is Eli better than him? Can he beat out Curt Paint next year if he does return? Does he still talk to that idiot kicker who got liquored up? The possibilities are endless.
  9. Rematch of Super Bowl XLII: this is a logical story line and is a good motivating factor for the Patriots. I’m OK with this.
  10. Victor Cruz salsa dancing: I don’t need to see an entire Kenny Mayne special on him salsa dancing. He just isn’t funny/entertaining/anything any longer.
  11. Adam Vinateri: He played for the Colts this year and made many clutch kicks for the Patriots. He will get talked about more than the Patriots current kicker Steven Gostkowski
  12. Not enough about Julian Edelman playing cornerback: He’s a freaking wide receiver playing DB. If the Giants don’t throw at him 100 straight times then someone needs to be fired.
  13. Not enough about Wes Welker’s girlfriend: see above about Gisele.
  14. The term “Nobody believed in us…but we believed in us”: We get it, the Giants had to win three playoff games on the road and had to beat the Cowboys to get into the playoffs. Heard it before. Yawn.
  15. Not enough about David Carr potentially winning a Super Bowl: In case you didn’t know David Carr is Eli Manning’s backup. If the Giants win then would you consider David Carr’s career a success? You’d have to say yes. Ya he might not have panned out as a starting quarterback and didn’t live up to the expectations of a number one overall pick but all that matters is that you win one. There are no rules to this. If you were to ask how his career was as the Houston Texans starting quarterback then that is an entirely different story.
  16. Tom Brady’s hair: It’s just not as dreamy as it used to be when it was long.
  17. Is Zoltan Mesko the most famous guy named Zoltan ever? He is definitely the most famous athlete named Zoltan.
  18. Tim Tebow: You really think that ESPN can go the entire Super Bowl without mentioning him? No way.
  19. The Patriot Tight Ends: They are big, strong, and catch lots of touchdowns. That’s all nice but lets talk more about Gronk and that pornstar.
  20. Tom Coughlin being the only coach ever who could go from almost being fired midseason to being a Hall of Fame coach: Think about it, winning two Super Bowls puts you into a whole new class of coach. Bill Parcells, Jimmy Johnson, Don Shula, Tom Landry, and Vince Lombardi all won only two Super Bowls.

 

Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.