I’ve been thinking, if McConaughey gets to parade around in Lincoln commercials, flicking glasses and waiting until the rain stops so he can drive away in is old man car, then why can’t other dudes get their endorsement on, too? What if male athletes had their own men’s fragrances? Can you imagine what the names would be?
Here are five athlete fragrances I’d love to see on the market right now:
1. From Russia with Love by Pavel Datsyuk
Made with bits of real Russia, so you know it’s good. This fragrance is slick with the stick. At 36, Pavel is one of the more seasoned NHL veteran in the game, so you know this one would have a little spice to it. Mellow with an old timey musk would be the main smelling notes. I think we have a winner here!
2. Headband by Sasha Vujačić
First of all, I totally had to copy and paste his last name from the interwebs because Word does not have those funky Cs in symbols. Hard to believe this dude was once engaged to Maria Sharapova, huh? What the eff was she thinking? Smelling notes: If you wear this fragrance, you will likely smell like that guy at the bar who wears finely pressed Armani Exchange shirts, white pants, snake skin belts and buys women weird shots they’ve never heard of that taste like regret and despair.
3. Erry Rose Haz its Thorn by Derrick Rose
After a long, hard-fought court battle, Adidas caves and eventually allows Derrick Rose naming rights to his own fragrance, which is how we get “Erry Rose Haz its Thorn.” As we all know, D. Rose had some dude take the SATs for him, so that explains a lot. Either way, this fragrance will be insanely popular in the Chicago market, particularly among 13-year-old boys. All middle school dances are about to smell a lot better than Axe bombs.
4. Minitron by Julian Edelman
Now that the Super Bowl is over and done with, and the guy above had a monster game (and totally played the 4th quarter concussed), it’s time to give Julian Edelman some love. This dude just drips arrogance. And for that, he get his own fragrance. I imagine the ads would feature Edelman in an unreasonably tight suit, walking into a nightclub, surrounded by the kinds of women you’d see in a ‘90s Biggie video. It’s good to be Minitron. It’ll basically be Aqua Di Gio repackaged.
5. Musk by Hunter Pence
This guy just looks like he doesn’t wear deodorant, and that wouldn’t even be a problem. Hunter Pence is known for, among other things, returning library books before they’re due and playing a scrappy style of baseball. Since he’s always covered in dirt and grass stains, it’s reasonable to assume he smells like he looks. And now you can, too! If you want to smell like you don’t care, try Musk today!
There you have it, America. Those are five men’s fragrances inspired by athletes that I think would kill it in today’s market. I mean, who wouldn’t want to smell like Hunter Pence’s baseball uniform?
If you could create a men’s fragrance on behalf of a male athlete, what would you call it and why? Let us know on Twitter @BaconSports.