Whether you’re a college or NFL football fan, your life is amazing once again. Your Saturdays and Sundays are now for more than masturbation and naps. That’s right, football season is upon us. Let that soak in for a moment.
If you live in SEC country, you’re well aware of the no alcohol rules at games and if your team is in a more liberal conference or the NFL, nobody wants to pony up ten bucks for a Miller Lite. This leads us to only one solution: you’re going to have to sneak booze into the game. Unfortunately, this is no pedestrian task.
That’s why I’ve compiled a list of the nine best ways to sneak alcohol into a football stadium.
1. Plastic Hip Flask
I first saw this little gem put to use in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. This flask is technically a bladder, but I refuse to call what I put my sweet, sweet bourbon into a bladder. This flask is superior to other flasks due to its flexibility. Simply fill it with your favorite booze and put it somewhere around your waist. This flask will pass most gentle friskings. But if you’ve ever been to county jail, you know that not all friskings are built the same, so be careful.
2. The Bra Technique
This technique has been a Kentucky Derby staple for years. You find a girl with small boobs, fill two water balloons about halfway full with booze, find a girl with big boobs, steal her bra (preferably while she is wearing it), put the big bra on the small-boobed girl and put the liquor filled balloons into the bra. Even the most heavy-handed security guard won’t feel up a woman on her way into the game. Well, maybe in Oakland.
3. Sandal Flask
In my search for ingenious ways to sneak alcohol into games, we stumbled across this gem. They look like real sandals and will hold a standard pint. The only issue we found is the potential that they may be ridiculously uncomfortable. It’s definitely not worth getting shin splints over a pint of liquor.
4. Put the Kids to Work
Let’s face it, for most men kids are utterly useless until the first day of Pop Warner football. All kids do until about eight years old is crap, eat and cry. Here is the perfect opportunity to finally justify their existence. It’s a little known fact that a pint of liquor will fit perfectly into a child’s diaper. Knowing this, coupled with the fact that kids don’t get frisked, you’ve now got a great way to sneak alcohol in. If you’re too proud to use your first born son or daughter as a drug mule…well, you shouldn’t be reading this site.
5. Flask Tampon
Simply put, this is the greatest idea ever. This product (available here) is essentially a test tube in a tampon wrapper. It works on so many levels. First off, it’s just funny. Secondly, and most importantly, it’s effective. No male security guard in his right mind is going anywhere near a tampon. The only drawback I see is that the tampon flask is gender specific which means you’ll have to go the game with a woman for it to work. Well, I guess you could take them in yourself, but good luck trying to convince the stone-faced, ex-felon at the gate that you used to be a woman. A special thanks to @DaFranchize412 for this method.
6. Decoy Bottle
This deliciously deceitful ploy comes to use from the Twitter parody account @Evil_Shero and it goes as such. You have two pints of liquor. You finish one off before the game and refill it with a similarly colored fluid. You hide the decoy pint in a place where it will no doubt be found. You put the second “live” pint in your best hiding spot. The idea is that when you go through security, they find the first pint, you shrug, and say “you got me”. Thinking they have earned their eight-dollars for that hour, the security guard will pass you through turnstile and you now have the pint you intended to bring in all along ready to be consumed. Genius!
7. The Water Bottle
This technique is going to take all of your guile. But, if done right, is nearly foolproof. Most stadiums now allow you to bring in one or two unopened water bottles. This ploy is designed to take advantage of this generosity. The night before the game, take a water bottle and carefully peal off the label. Poke a hole in the area where the label goes and drain the water out. Now, replace the water with booze. The only drawback to this ploy is that the liquor must be clear. Anywho, once you’ve put your alcohol back into the bottle, you must close the hole back up with duct tape (Warning: Scotch and masking tape won’t work). The last step is to glue the label back into place and voila, you have a unopened water bottle filled with liquor.
8. The Pass Through
This one comes to us from Jordan Blue via Facebook. This move is very simple, yet highly effective. You enter the game contraband free, find a stretch of fence that is out of sight of security and have your partner in crime pass the alcohol through or have him toss it over the fence. If you’ve chosen the correct drop point, even if you get spotted, you should have enough time to sneak away into the masses. A bit of a warning though, because you’re already in the game if you get caught the chances of you getting kicked out are exponentially higher than if you get busted while entering the stadium. So tread lightly because as vital as sneaking alcohol into the game is, actually being there to see the game is much more important.
9. Occam’s Razor
Allow me a quick story. I had a friend in college who was constantly trying to find the best way to cheat on tests. He tried making crib notes, writing on his arm, putting the answers on the inside of a water bottle label, sitting behind a Korean kid and looking over his shoulder, etc. One day he barged into my room and exclaimed that he had found the most fool-proof method. In his stoner drawl he said, “Hide the answers in your head, man. Nobody can find them there”. I found his Spartan solution quite analogous to this article. The easiest and most fool proof way to sneak alcohol into a game is in your stomach. Drink what you need to before the game. Even if you don’t remember the first quarter, you’ll still be buzzed and ready to cheer in the fourth. Just pray there isn’t overtime.
I hope these nine tips help make your football season a drunken one. If you have anymore ideas on how to sneak alcohol into a football stadium feel free to send them to us at @BaconSports.