If you don’t know who Anderson Silva is then you’re surely going to die, because he’s standing right behind you.
This Brazilian ninja-cyborg has been the UFC middleweight champion since 2006 and is responsible for so many dead brain cells that magic markers are starting to get jealous. He’s 33-4, hasn’t lost a fight in seven years and in that span he’s literally invented 5,000 new ways to beat people up. If The Matrix was real, he would give Neo a swirly and then bang Trinity on one of those rickety dentist chairs as Agent Smith watched.
In short, Silva is the greatest fighter in human history, and if you want someone kicked in the face, he’s the only man for the job. So here’s some people that I’d like Anderson Silva to kick in the face for me.
The “I want some more” girl — TV, The Reason You Changed the Channel
These commercials are 99 percent hilarious, especially the one with the kid who just wants to know what the animals would be made out of, damn it. But this girl just hangs over the whole shebang like a giant green fart cloud. If annoying was a currency, she’d be the queen of the universe. Apparently she just wants some more. Of what, we’ll never be quite sure. All I know is that if she got Silva’s foot to her face she’d be all set.
Erik Spolestra /Frank Vogel — Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers, “Coaches”
I’m not sure if there’s anything to like about either of these guys. Their sense of entitlement staggeringly surpasses what they’ve actually accomplished in their careers and their overall appearances make them look like door-to-door encyclopedia salesman with an insatiable love for hookers and hair gel.
There’s absolutely no way that LeBron and the rest of the Heat don’t laugh their asses off at Spolestra when he’s not around, and there’s no way half the people on the Pacers know what Vogel’s name is. The only time I cheer for a Silva front kick more than when I’m watching the UFC is when I’m watching Spo and Vogel slither around on the sidelines pretending to be important.
Chris Weidman — UFC, Middleweight Contender
Weidman is the only person on this list whose face is in legitimate danger of being kicked into outer space. Why? Oh, just because he actually fights Silva in July. If that’s not a dumb enough decision already, he’s been talking crazy amounts of trash about how he’s going to win, which is like telling Godzilla’s mama she’s fat as he uses the Empire State Building to pick people bits out of his teeth.
There really isn’t any good videos of Weidman fighting so let’s just watch him talk about being from Long Island and impersonate the dance Silva is going to do as he stands over Weidman’s headless corpse.
King Joffrey — Westeros, Evil Bastard of the Year
In Games of Thrones, seven noble families pretend to fight for control of their fictional world, but all they really do is march around and have sex with each other. Needless to say, it’s the best show on TV.
But holy crap is that Joffrey one evil bastard. The teenage king of the realm is a whiny, sadistic lizard-boy who makes Roger Goodell seem fair and just. If Robb Stark or Khaleesi can’t kill this asshole, then it’s time for Silva to bring some sweet justice to Westeros. I guarantee you that if either of them had Silva on their side instead of dire wolves and dragons, this war would have lasted five minutes.
Terrible officials — Sports Leagues Everywhere, The Reason Your Team Just Lost
The problem with bad referees is they’re never really held accountable for their actions. They screw up, the league apologizes, and then they trudge right back out to the scene of the crime the next day. Look at Jim Joyce, who flushed Armando Galarraga’s perfect game right down the pooper and then got to man home plate the very next day.
Lately there’s been a long line of miserable calls, from baseball umpires to the NBA playoff refs, and it’s infuriating watching them haphazardly officiate games and remain totally without reproach. It’s like the freaking Wild West. There needs to be some sort of justice here. Plus, you’re going to tell me that umps won’t call a cleaner game if Silva is standing over their shoulders with his leg cocked? Why has Bud Selig not hired this guy? We’d have perfect officiating by Labor Day.
Kendrick Perkins — Oklahoma City Thunder, Useless Guy
In my opinion, Perkins has the most punchable face in the world. Face punchability is a real thing; it started with that throwaway scene from Step Brothers but has since become a legitimate means of quantification.
Perkins is the inaugural President of punchability. He has such a vile, repugnant, dog-faced mug that I’m surprised he doesn’t have horns and a tail. I understand that’s not his fault. He could be a nice person (but he’s totally not) despite the revolting heap of extremities that litter his head. That doesn’t change the fact that in a world where you either get kicked by Anderson Silva or you don’t, he should get kicked the hardest. So please, Kendrick Perkins, change your face. For the sake of humanity, change your freaking face.
Did I miss anyone? Is there anyone you’d really, really like to see Anderson Silva put his foot through? Tweet me and I’ll see what I can do.
Erik is interning with us this summer and is the newest addition to the Bacon Sports team. He’s actually received a scar in a bar fight, once partied with the Milwaukee Bucks and loves all things that are good. You can follow him on Twitter @erikschmidtmu.
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