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Fantasy Football, Paris Hilton, RGIII and an all Girls League

fantasy-football-RGIIIHave you ever thought about what would happen if you combined Carrie Bradshaw with Matthew Berry? Sex and the City meets ESPN? Every week my column will be a comparison between all things pop culture, dating, fashion and football. I’m the commissioner of my all girls fantasy football league where we know our fantasy football, but also watch every game in our high heels and jerseys. This is the world of fantasy football through the eyes of my league.

Week 6

It’s amazing how many men have a secretive fascination with celebrity life. Guys, don’t be ashamed if an US Weekly is stashed on the bathroom toilet underneath the GQ magazine, you secretly know where ‘Will you accept this rose?’ comes from and can name every cast member of Jersey Shore. You are not ALONE!

Every week is a comparison that can give everyone something to relate to. This week I compare celebrities to football players.

The has-been

With her bleach blonde hair and anorexic body, we all loved to hate Paris Hilton. She was everything we want in a celebrity.

On a reality show… Check.

Dated a backstreet boy … Check.

Got busted for a DUI and served time in prison… Check.

But this is all SOOO five years ago!

Remember when fans actually bought presents off the wedding registry for RG3 and his bride to be? Robert Griffin III was the most exciting rookie to watch last year not only because he was the top fantasy quarterback for most of the season, but this churchgoing, always smiling, talks like a white dude athlete made the Redskins fun to watch. Coming back from the injury, we all were anticipating the ‘will he or won’t he do it again’ during the draft.

Taken in the 5th round, Nikki was hopeful. But, as it turns out, she and the Skins are both now 1-4 with RG3 only pulling out games week 1 and 2 because of garbage throwing at the end of the game. His fantasy value, as well as the Redskin’s playoff hopes, are sinking worse then Paris’ celebrity status.

Paris: Start social climbing by dating America’s most eligible bachelor (I’m sure you know I’m talking about Bruce Jenner) and Robert, start learning to throw cause you can’t run. Now that would be hot.

The train wreck

She was such a cute freckled-faced girl who turned into a movie star with her famous fire crotch. Lindsay Lohan is the total childhood star cliche starting off as America’s Sweetheart then becoming an alcoholic thief who started clubbing with Mom. She has been arrested so many times, her lawyer Shawn has become a bona fide celebrity. But thankfully LiLo is no longer locked up and can give us extraordinary performances in Lifetime movies.

After Gronk announced he had to have surgery, Pats fans weren’t that worried. The fantasy tight end position would be a little limited. We, in fantasy football, knew if we didn’t have Gronk to start the season, at least we could draft the other stellar tight end on the Patriots. Little did we know, we would come to know “Hernandezing” as not a touchdown by Aaron, but a guy who looks like a handcuffed Venus de Milo. Great costume for Halloween BTW. You’re welcome!

Who goes to a gas station and buys cotton candy bubble gum? And then throws the gum out next to a dead body… ALLEGEDLY?! This guy clearly has never seen Dateline or CSI OR tried strawberry splash flavor for that matter cause its way better then cotton candy!

The Queen and King

Ways to be the Queen in Hollywood:

1. Go on a date with Nick Lachey after he divorces Jessica Simpson and alert the media.
2. Become friends with Ryan Seacrest.
3. (Most important) Make a sex tape even if it’s with some rapper who was a one hit wonder. And no, I have no idea what hit that was, I’m just guessing.
From her overbearing Mom-ager, huge ass and her love for black men, we can’t get enough of Kim Kardashian.

Ways to be the King of Football:

1. Your team is 5-0
2. You’re 1st in QB rating, touchdowns and passing yards.
3. You made a documentary based on your family with you getting more air time then any of your siblings.

Sound familiar? But would Peyton Manning be the stud that he is without his receivers?

Wes Welker and the two Thomas’ are the Kourtney, Khloe and Kris. They are not as fun to watch, not as interesting and don’t have the annoying voice, but they make the clan better. I vote we just combine both the documentary and show. ‘Book of Keeping up with the Peydashian’s’ anyone?

The Good…

Receivers who complained.

Brandon Marshall claimed that the offense isn’t moving the ball. Yes, he claimed this doesn’t mean him, but it IS about him. After complaining, he gets nine receptions, 87 yards and two touchdowns, thus killing me in fantasy.

After Hakeem Nicks publicly said that he can’t throw the ball to himself, he has a combined 212 yards in two weeks. Hey, Eric Decker, Mike Wallace and Reggie Wayne, start complaining to the media!

The Bad…

Houston, we have a problem.

Houston’s woes started with Matt Schaub setting an NFL record this season for the most interceptions returned for touchdowns, his team is 2-4 and the poor guy has lost half of his hair at age 32. Things can’t get worse right? Wrong! He goes down with an injury in front of his home crowd and what happens? The crowd starts cheering!

Hey, Houston fans, karma is a bitch! Your QB Yates who replaced him has an interception for a pick six on his first throw. Here’s to Dwight Howard not making free throws, getting injured and 57 year old Marcus Camby becoming your center!

The Ugly…

Sean Peyton’s play calling.

Sean, you know you’re playing against the Patriots that have Tom Brady as their quarterback, right? You decide to milk the clock by running the ball only to give Brady and the Pats a chance to win the game? This is more confusing then watching Pedro Martinez’s baseball commentary on TBS!

However, for those of us that have Brady or Thompkins in our line-up, we thank you Mr. Payton.

Here’s to week 7…

-The Commish

 

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