The Oxford English Dictionary defines mustache as “a strip of hair left to grow above the upper lip.” With all due respect to OED, the ‘stache has become so much more than just a tuft of hair nestled nicely between the nose and upper lip. It’s a cultural phenomenon, albeit a dirty one. Facial art at its finest.
In honor of Movember, a month during which all men who are remotely capable of growing facial hair seem to let their inner Ron Jeremy out, here are the 5 dirtiest ‘staches in sports:
1. Zach Mettenberger – Tennessee Titans
Looks like there’s a new mustache in town! Zach Mettenberger, rookie QB of the Tennessee Titans, made waves on social media with the ferret growing on his lip before he even took a snap this season. Is there a better way to introduce yourself to the NFL than by wowing fans with your superior facial hair growth? Nay, I say.
2. Ben Roethlisberger – Pittsburgh Steelers
It’s been a long while since Big Ben’s succumbed to the facial hair fad called the ‘stache. Now that he’s a 30-something father of two, it’s slightly less Kosher for him to emulate a 70’s porn star, but who can forget that time he returned to training camp looking like Dirk Diggler’s unattractive older brother? I have no doubt this look caused severe permanent retinal scarring and intense personal struggles for many fans. Why, Ben? Just, why?
3. Derek Holland – Texas Rangers
This one is my personal fave, because this kid looks like someone who shouldn’t be able to grow a ‘stache. The baby-faced Texas flame thrower, who looks about 10 years younger than he is, has been a mustache connoisseur for years. The juxtaposition of his childlike face against his dirty, dirty ‘stache is pure poetry. Side note: His nickname is the “Dutch Oven.” This kid is special.
4. George Parros – NHL
George Parros may or may not be a serial killer. With a ‘stache like that, he’s most definitely not a school teacher. You’re unlikely to find a more menacing mustache in the NHL than that of Parros. Coupled with his flowing locks, Parros’s ‘stache is a signature look reminiscent of Jagr’s epic mullet. Monuments should be erected in honor of that facial hair.
5. Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay Packers
Before he was dating actresses and bulking up with Hans and Franz, Aaron Rodgers was a simple man with a not-so-simple mustache. It’s a shame he sacrifices those good looks one month out of every year to adopt a facial monstrosity. You know, unless you’re into that kind of thing. I guess that’s what won over Olivia Munn. She loves dat ‘stache!
I hope you’ve enjoyed these epic mustachioed stars. As vile as mustaches are, we love these men and their willingness to put their looks on the line to sport the ‘stache, mostly for a good cause. Bonus points to all of the gentlemen out there who are growing dirty, dirty mustaches this fall. Now get out there and show off that ‘stache! The world deserves to see it.
Send us a picture of your awesome stache or a picture of your favorite stache’d athlete and you’ll be entered to win one of these sweet Holster Up beer holsters. We are giving two of them away (you can read more details here). Hit us up on Twitter @BaconSports or at firstname.lastname@example.org.