With the NBA and NHL seasons finishing up, I asked myself who could beat the snot out of who, going toe to toe for a few rounds in the boxing ring. Take the boys out of skates, lace up a pair of shoes and keep the gloves on. Here is the fight card for the night.
Chris “Birdman” Andersen vs. Brian Bickell – Middleweight division
Birdman is a tough son of a gun. He has probably endured over 50 hours of tat work. That alone got him qualified as a contender on the fight card. Add in the mohawk and you have a man that appears as intimidating as Tyson without the meds. He is slightly undersized compared to Brian Bickell but he definitely has the reach. Look at the wingspan of the birdman. Bickell on the other hand sure acts like a tough guy on the ice but has only been in 8 official fights in his NHL career. Way to go for a guy that acts like a tough guy on the ice. It is like Uncle Jesse running the Smash Club, it looks like he can do it but can he really? My vote in this fight goes to Birdman. The reach and intimidation factors are too much for the toothless Bickell.
Tony Parker vs. Patrick Kane – Featherweight Division
We all claim to know the French are assholes but can they fight? Former Mr. Longoria has proven to be not only tough, but resilient and durable. He is very quick with lightining feet and hands. Can pretty boy Kaner stand the quick blows of his counterpart? Kaner has never been in a fight in the NHL before and for good reason, he is scared. This fight might be over before it even begins. Would Kaner even come into the boxing rink to fight? He already has his shirt off in the limo. The fight begins with Parker talking sexy to Kaner in French and while Kaner thinks Parker is trying to hook him up with his ex-wife, Parker lands the knock out punch.
Winner: Tony Parker
LeBron James vs. Milan Lucic – Light Heavyweight division
Milan Lucic is a freight train. Great size, speed and is completely fearless. LeBron also has the body to match Lucic but not the heart. LeBron has the size to give even Gronker a run for his money on the dance floor and the football field. But LeBron needs to go see the wizard and get some courage. Too much whining and flopping make this an easy win for Lucic. As soon as Lucic knocks off LeBrons headband, he flops and the ref counts it a knockout.
Tim Duncan vs. Zdeno Chara – Heavyweight Division
Battle of the best. Nice guy Tim Duncan versus the extremely weird looking Slovak. I secrely wonder if basketball was a sport in Slovakia, what kind of baller Chara would have made. With the toughness of Chara and the body of Shawn Bradley, who knows how far he could have gone. But after watching Chara in the Finals and seeing the absolute dominance of the Penguins in the previous round, the man is a beast. Nice guy Tim Duncan cannot stand up to this. Tim Duncan is the guy you want your sister to date. Super nice, good job, not better looking than you and will treat her right. Duncan is not the guy you want with you in a fight.
Winner: Zdeno Chara
Main Event – Uneven Match: Daniel “Car Bomb” Carcillo vs Matthew Bonner and Tiago Splitter
Carcillo is a straight goon put onto hockey teams with a singular purpose, to agitate and instigate. He does this very well and without shame or remorse. Car Bomb has been suspended numerous times in his career and has been in over 95 fights. Despite looking goofier than Screech, Carcillo can land some real power shots. Can the modern day Wennington and Perdue stand a chance against Carcillo?
Bonner and Splitter are far from intimidating yet can use the reach to keep Carcillo at bay and not let him get in close. Since it is two on one in this fight teamwork will be rewarded. Bonner and Splitter landing jab after jab to the caveman face of Carcillo will be effective but the lack of common sense of Carcillo will prevail and he will not give up. Look for Carcillo to pull out a stick from nowhere and start whacking.
Winner: Daniel Carcillo
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