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The Next Texas Longhorns Head Coach: Rod Belding

rod-belding-texas-longhornsMack Brown is on thin ice at the University of Texas and we all know a Yokozuna- Bonzi Drop is coming soon. Naturally, we must wonder who replaces him. You have heard rumblings and rumors as to who the next coach may be. I am here to put an end to the search and speculation and recommend the most obvious candidate.

Rod Belding.

Yes, that Rod Belding (if you are a Saved by the Bell fan or Rod Belding fan that video is a must watch).

The University of Texas football program was once considered the best job in college football, but due to poor recruiting, lack of talent, and no sizzle to its image, UT needs a makeover faster than Vince Young rode himself out of the NFL. Rod, the cooler Belding, swings the big stick and carries the old school swag UT needs and more to regain its position among college football’s elite. Let’s examine.

Image:

The halls and classrooms of Bayside needed an image boost, enter Rod Belding. Same goes for Longhorn football.

Belding is the fresh, youthful coach who will bring the “it” vibe along with a killer button up jean shirt and long flowing blonde locks. As soon as he steps on foot on campus, the coeds will all want to bang him like he was Matt Leinart in a hot tub, and the down south bro’s will hang on every word and follow his every move. The big time boosters will be drinking from the fountain of youth like Fred Couples and pledge even more power and money to the surging program. Nevin Shapiro will escape from jail just to get in on this. Even Mark Paul Gosselaar will get off the set of Franklin and Bash to hop on the Rod Belding wagon.

Recruiting:

UT could use a major boost in getting talent back to Austin. Rod would not only bring the top recruits in for campus visits that include the mandatory partying and sex (allegedly), he would join in the festivities. Would you blame your son for wanting to attend the University of Texas when he is promised a white water rafting trip as well as playing time?

The obvious question is would Rod be able to leave his paradise to blaze the trails and get on the road to visit the recruits? When you have stewardess’s (errr…the flu) on speed dial, this is the last issue that will stand in his way. Recruiter of chicks everywhere, Bayside naysayers, and coming to a theatre near you, football players.

Coaching:

This is the big unknown, but if you look at his history you should be more worried about the Broncos covering the spread this week. Clearly, Rod is a huge players coach; I mean who would not want to play for this coach? He tosses tradition out the window and throws a paper airplane with the old playbook. Belding knows how to get the best out of his players and will maximize this with lures of pay for performance and a chance to hang out with AC Slater at the local strip clubs. X’s and O’s were never his thing, he is more a fly by the seat of your pants guy, and that has bought him more success than Mark McGwire on steroids.

I beg the regents, boosters, and donors of the University of Texas to do the right thing. Bring Rod home to where he belongs: dominating Austin, Texas. With Rod at the helm, UT would be like The U, SMU, and USC combined. So when Mack Brown gets canned at the end of this season, UT needs to turn to the man who has what it takes to make coeds drool and bring Longhorn football back to the promised land.

Don’t forget to check me out on Twitter @THamm09

 

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Tom Hamm

Tom Hamm

Cleveland sports freak living in Cincinnati who still owns an original Charlotte Hornets pullover. Obsessed with umpires strike 3 calls and ballpark nachos. Recreational games all-pro.
Tom Hamm

@THamm09

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