Sports

NFL Preseason and Channel 99 Scrambled Porn. They’re both the same

By August 13, 2013 No Comments
nfl-preseason-channel-99

nfl-preseason-channel-99Football is back! I know, it is NFL Preseason football, but by God it’s football. The first week is in the books and I have a slight football hangover. As an avid sports fan, I am not ashamed to admit that July and most of nearly half of August is a sports fan’s down time. By the time live football is on TV, I am ready and willing to watch whoever is playing. The NFL Preseason reminds me a lot of watching fuzzy porn as a 12-year-old boy. Yes, you read that right. NFL Preseason is my fuzzy porn channel.

Come on guys, let’s admit it, if you grew up in the early/mid Nineties, you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say fuzzy porn channel. It was normally on channel 99. You had sound, but as far as graphics, it was just a big glob of every color in the rainbow swirling around having an orgy. It was almost like watching the liquified form of the bad guy in Terminator 2 boning ladies of his kind or Captain Kirk cutting off a piece of the green ladies in Star Trek while taking ecstasy. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about refer to the first 5-10 minutes of the movie American Pie.

For the first time in my life, I truly learned to rely on my other senses when watching this fuzzy type of porn. The sound was there, and let’s face it, that was basically enough for a 12-year-old boy. However, you couldn’t get completely lost in the sound because you still had to keep your ears open to listen for you Mom. Getting caught watching that by your Mom would be devastating at that age. The key to watching was to stick with it. As a bonus if you really paid attention, you’d be rewarded with the glimpse of a boob or two. With the sounds in tact, you could pretty much tell what direction and pleasure zone all the action was going to.

The NFL preseason is not regular season football because you’re not really able to tell how good or bad a team is going to be. 2nd and 3rd stringers who are fighting for a spot on the team are playing the majority of the game. It’s sloppy, but it’s there and it’s live football, much like channel 99 porn.

If there is one thing that fuzzy porn has taught me it’s to work with what you got because something is better than nothing.

 

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John Upton

John Upton

John Upton is a stand up comic from Tazewell, TN. He has performed with Harland Williams, Brian Posehn, Guy Torry, Tammy Pescatelli, and many more. You can catch him on stage or at the bar watching sports at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Knoxville, TN.