Sports

4 things that should be shortened like the NHL season was

By November 11, 2013 No Comments
hockey-is-back

hockey-is-backCall it my own Stanley Cup Hangover (sans the fame, fortune and women), but I’m just not mentally ready to throw myself back into NHL hockey. We are over a month into the 2013-2014 NHL season and I am already reminiscing about last year’s magical 48 game, three month, lock out shortened regular season.

There were always great match-ups every night of the week and more than two days off for your favorite team was a rarity. If you happened to have a roommate of the opposite sex, it was easy to trump The Bachelor or Keeping Up with the Chlamydians in favor of a Pens/Flyers matchup.

The shortened season also gave us less Pierre LeBrun. I can’t tell you how often Pierre McGuire from NBCSN speaks during the game, it would be easier to tell you how often he doesn’t speak (SPOILER ALERT: It’s never). I long for those Farmer’s Only dating commercials just for the absence of his voice.

Chances are the NHL will never permanently adopt a 48 game season. Apparently people are concerned about player safety, revenue and the collapse of the Canadian government. But while reminiscing about the condensed season, I thought of some other things that could be abridged.

Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love”

Geez Meatloaf, did you really need 12 minutes to get this extremely complex and thought-provoking point across? Who am I kidding? I love this song and will listen to it on repeat while I finish this article.

Titanic (the movie)

Did James Cameron need 194 minutes just to have Rose (Kate Winslet) hog the only decent size floating debris while Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) froze his ass off? I’m thinking this could have easily been resolved in the 22 minute sitcom format. Establish a comical misunderstanding between Jack and Rose and then sink the damn ship.

Any Reality TV Show

After every commercial break, they spend 5 minutes recapping what you just watched in the previous segment. There is literally 6 minutes of unique content in your average hour long reality television show. I would probably watch more reality TV if I could see the Real Housewives claw and scratch it out in a solid 9 minutes.

Porn

Are there people out there that really watch a whole movie, or even a full scene for that matter? It’s common knowledge that most guys go right to whatever part gets them to tissue-town. I would imagine a 90-second prime clip is all most guys need and would also allow us all to squeeze more onto our secret thumb drives.

 

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Paul Reidy

Paul Reidy

Graduate of the Second City improv and writing programs. Hockey lover.