Bacon Boys: Athletes that would love to replace Gatorade with Bacon

By November 12, 2013June 18th, 2018No Comments

bacon-boysEverybody loves bacon. Seriously, if you’re sippin’ on bacon-flavored hatorade, we have some serious issues to work out here. Bacon, like bread, is a staple. It’s a necessity, not a luxury. Bacon is to mankind as Gatorade is to athletes.

Wouldn’t it be cool if professional athletes were allowed to eat bacon on the sidelines instead of drinking Gatorade? I mean, we all need protein, right? Wouldn’t you like to know which athletes would take the bacon plunge? Let’s salute the men who would likely be quenching their metaphorical thirst with thin, delicious slabs of pig, rather than salty, commercialized sports beverages. Here are the Bacon Boys of past, present and future:

Casey Hampton

This one was a no-brainer. Besides being my favorite Steeler of all-time (yeah, I’m dead serious), this man was made to eat bacon. Not only was he nicknamed “Big Snack,” which he was perfectly cool with, the man had the largest helmet in the NFL! If that’s not a feat to brag about, I don’t know what is.

#98 would definitely be taking in the protein while the offense was on the field. Let’s not forget the guy was a perennial Pro Bowler who would routinely blow up two linemen at a time to clog holes as the anchor of the Steel Curtain. And that’s why I love me some Big Snack.

Vince Wilfork

In true nose tackle fashion, Vince is a big dude, but I think we can all agree he wears it well. You know what would look even better on Mr. Wilfork? Bacon.

Vince is known for his ferocious play and has been one of the premier defensive tackles in the game since he entered the league. Are we noticing a trend here? Awesome players eat bacon. Can you picture it? Vince is trotting off the field after sacking Joe Flacco. He breezes by the Gatorade cooler, instead looking for something else, something more satisfying. Brady, just before he throws on his helmet, much to the dismay of the females in the stands, hands Vince a hot, crispy, meaty slab of bacon. Vince = happy. And if Vince is happy, we’re happy.

Bartolo Colon

Some say steroids were to blame for Bartolo’s body transformation. Others suspect the cause to be sunflower seed consumption in the dugout. But I have my own theory about Bartolo’s transition: bacon. Yeah, that’s right, Bartolo would totally be the one bringing the bacon to the bullpen, which would make him THE most popular man on any team in any land.

Of course, Bartolo would pronounce it bah-cone. Everything sounds better in Spanish, even bacon.

George Foreman

Let me paint a picture for you: it’s a Wednesday night, you just got home from work, and it’s too late to go grocery shopping. All you have at your disposal is a loaf of bread, some condiments and a few pieces of bacon. You say starvation, George says dinner. All you have to do is get out our lean, mean, fat-burning grillin’ machine, and voila, you’ve got a gourmet dinner that’s light on the grease. And if you’re really lucky, Big George might even join you, wearing his apron and that trademark smirk. Watch out for that right hook, though! Side note: being a Texas-native, George would totally be an applewood smoked man.

Randall Simon

Watching the man who once swatted at a human sausage run the bases was like watching Warren Sapp return a kickoff. Not that Warren Sapp ever returned a kickoff, but that would have been awesome, huh?

Randall was known better for the aforementioned sausage-gate in Milwaukee than his prowess on the field, but whether or not you followed his less than thrilling baseball career, you knew Randall as one of the bigger guys on the field. Lots of baseball players like to munch on sunflower seeds during the game, but I’m banking on Randall munching on bacon bits. The national value of a sunflower seed pales in comparison to that of bacon. Lean bacon, that is.

Mike Trout

I love Mike Trout. What’s not to love? The kid is 22 years old and is already considered one of the best players in baseball. Some might even say he’s the best in the game. But Mike has a weakness, and that weakness is bacon.

Mike might not be a bacon fiend just yet, but he has all the makings of a bacon maven in training. I mean, he did come back after last winter about 20 lbs. heavier. Now, Mike claims that was all “muscle” since he tends to lose weight over the course of the season (must be nice to be a 20-something guy), but I suspect bacon! I’m on to you, Mikey! The best part of Trout’s presumed bacon love might just be the irony of a man named Trout eating pig. Only in America!

There you have it, the biggest bacon lovers of sports. Or at least these are the men I’d invite if I were throwing an end of the world bacon buffet, during which all bacon must be consumed. I’d allow them all to bring plus-ones, but I doubt they’d need them. Who would you invite to your pre-apocalypse bacon rally?







Rebecca Ramos

Rebecca Ramos

Business casual by week, sports chic by weekend. Originally from Pittsburgh, Rebecca bleeds Black and Gold and cites Casey Hampton as her all-time favorite Steeler. Warning: do not approach her directly after a Steelers loss.