Due to overwhelming demand (OK, I get it, you can stop DM’ing me, I’m sorry) I’ve had to admit that I might have had a teensy, tiny oversight on my Top 5 athlete movie cameos article. Cam Neely as Seabass in Dumb and Dumber was a tour-de-force performance that I honestly thought long and hard about, before ultimately deciding to leave just outside the top five. But to not delve into this complex character would be an injustice. Remember, anything worth doing is worth overdoing. In fact, let’s give Seabass the ESPN-style over analysis that he rightly deserves.
Weight: 218 lbs
Obviously he drives a truck, but little else is known about his background. Let’s assume he’s a blue-collar truck driver with a few, let’s say interesting, proclivities.
This is a man who knows comfort, but requires the extra range of motion afforded by the down vest. Underneath is a workman’s shirt that screams Eddie Vedder post-Ten and some of those real, comfortable, jeans hocked by Brett Favre and Drew Brees. Attached to those jeans is the classic wallet-attached-to-a-chain, which tells me that he’s a thrifty fellow. I’m guessing those ass-kicking feet are supported by steel-toed boots, and let’s not forget the iconic “Wine ’em, Dine ’em, Sixty-nine’em” hat. Obviously this is a man who knows good taste (in terms of early 90s mid-America, at least). And you can’t forget the leopard print banana hammock, also known as his “happy place.” Classic.
Drink of choice:
Boilermakers are near and dear to my heart. We’ll assume he means an American-style boilermaker, which usually consists of a shot of whiskey chased by a pint of beer. It’s a hard drink for a hard man. Because of his drink choice, we know this is a man few have trifled with and lived to tell the tale.
First and foremost, this guy is a master of intimidation. Every fast-twitch muscle in this guy’s body seems to be located in either his face or his fists. Secondly, as he proves to Harry in the diner by hocking a loogie on his burger, he is the master of the expectory arts. His mucokinetics are top notch. Finally, above all else he is prompt. He expects that people be punctual, whether those meetings occur during the afternoon, or, say at 2:15 AM SHARP.
Apparently, like most of us, deep down Seabass is a lonely man searching for love. Of course, in his case, it means MAN LOVE. His job keeps him on the road a lot, and he really wants to reach out to find contact. Usually, this involves scrawled missives on the bathroom stalls of the truck stops and diners he frequents. All in search of a little companionship in a harsh world. That being said, the iron-jawed Seabass might not be the badass he wants us to think he is.
In addition to the soft spot in his heart, he also seems to be easily rendered unconscious. Whether it’s due to the repeated concussions that come with the territory of being a tough-as-nails trucker, it can’t be said, but Seabass is apparently able to be subdued by a swift hit by a thin bathroom door. Obviously, this is a glaring weakness in his game that cannot be overlooked.
Overall, Seabass is a great character in an iconic movie of the 90s. However, as a cameo it does suffer since one of the most telling scenes we have with him was not included in the release. The whole scene with him and Lloyd in the bathroom was a deleted scene. While that is not a knock against Neely, or his performance, it does diminish him somewhat in the overall rankings.
Matt Brockway is very very sorry, and hopes that people will continue to follow him on twitter @subtlehyperbole.
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