It has been a well-known fact for years that athletic prowess and triumph is just not enough for some who make their living on the playing fields of sports. Although largely forgotten, OJ Simpson took a rather successful shot at being a thespian in between his careers in football and as a professional pariah. Everyone’s favorite pitcher Jim Abbott made an unforgettable and heart-wrenching cameo on Boy Meets World to save Cory Matthews’ very soul. I for one will never forget Shaquille O’Neal’s childhood-altering trifecta of awesome that was Shaq Diesel, Shaq Fu and Kazaam.
Given that all of these athletes felt the need to step outside the boundaries of sports, is it any surprise that the larger than life personalities of professional wrestling heard this same calling? The most obvious case here is none other than the Immortal One, Hulk Hogan. I mean, if you don’t like Suburban Commando, you really must reevaluate your life as soon as possible.
Many other wrestlers have gone in front of the lens of the camera to test their acting chops, but is this any wonder? Considering that these people feign anger and violence in front of a live audience several nights a week, it should come as no shock that a little natural acting ability existed somewhere inside their entertainer’s soul. Acting, though, appears to not be grand enough to satisfy some of the egos that have graced the squared circle. Some of them just have to sing!
For this edition of Wrestling the English Language, we will take a break from our usual format of transcribing a particular promo. Instead we will dig deep into the storied history of professional wrestling and excavate a few musical gems that have been buried very deeply under all the other shame and embarrassment that has accumulated over the years. Once unearthed, we will look these relics over and pick out some of their highlights. Or lowlights, depending on your perspective.
“Piledriver” Koko B. Ware
But sometimes love
Sounds like a fight
like an argament
Its sounds just like
First of all, it has to be pointed out that the only wrestling move that is shown in the video is not a “Piledriver,” but is in fact a “Brain Buster.” Also, speaking earlier of Hogan’s acting ability, watch as he does his best porn star impression as he wields a large, cement-dispensing hose. And where is Koko when all the wrestlers ogle this bevy of women who are randomly parading around at a construction site? Why in the world would he be excluded from such an activity?
Roddy Piper “I’m Your Man”
I can be anything you want baby
Why I could even be your milk man
Now this ain’t no half pint you’re dealing with
Nuh uh, sweetheart, I’m a full load
Why do you think they call me Hot Rod, huh?
Look, these lyrics are creepy enough, but when you think about the possibility that they are directed towards Hulk Hogan you may have to wash your brain like I did. Interspersed throughout the video like a subliminal message are images of a marquee that flashes the names Hogan and Piper in bright lights. This is obviously a thinly veiled attempt to brainwash Hogan into believing the lyrics are about him and make him slowly fall for the “Hot Rod.”
WWF Roster “Land of a Thousand Dances”
I said clap yo’ hands!
This song and video is by all rights the absolute crown jewel of music in wrestling. The number of glorious things that happen throughout the course of the song are too numerous to count. Vince McMahon tries to fulfill a lifelong desire to be a member of a different race, and fails miserably. Bobby Heenan takes part of a drum kit to the head. Roddy Piper slowly descends into a cocaine-fueled rage. The star of the video, though, is Paul Orndorff who merrily kisses his biceps to the beat of the music. No wrestler has or will ever top this. They can all just quit, Mr. Wonderful has won.
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