No matter where you play Beer League, there is a cast of characters that are universal. Every team has one (or more) of these 10 players.
With a 10% success rate, this is your teammate who thinks the toe-pull is always a great idea, whether it be coming out of your own zone or crossing the offensive blue line.
In minor hockey, you’re taught to recognize it’s time for a line change when you see your linemates go to the bench. Not this guy. Iron-Man Al is oblivious to his five minute shift and to the guy waiting on the bench who can no longer feel his toes. You’d think he’d get tired, but it’s hard to get winded when your skating technique is coasting and big circles.
BLACK HOLE HAL
Little is known about black holes except that anything that goes in is never seen again. This is the linemate you pass to each shift only to never see the puck again.
This is the player skating way too hard for 11 pm on a Tuesday night. Slow down buddy, high school is over and the scouts are all at home sleeping.
Everyone knows Pig-Pen, the Charlie Brown character who is surrounded by a swirling cloud of dirt at all times. Every Beer League team has that guy who you can smell from the other end of the bench because he hasn’t washed his gear since Bantam. If you dared to peek into his bag, you’d likely find a warm MGD from 1998, a tape ball and a small family of squirrels.
COLOR BLIND CAL
This is the player on your team that passes to the opposing team so often that you seriously wonder if he might be color blind.
Who doesn’t love a guy who takes a hooking penalty in the offensive zone while you’re on the power play? The guy who sits the next shift while the team is shorthanded, that’s who.
Many Beer Leagues are now using PointStreak.com to track schedule, standings and most importantly, points. This is the guy who calls the rink manager the day after a game when he sees he didn’t get credit for that second assist on the 9th goal. Don’t be surprised to find this guy referring the ladies to his PointStreak profile.
NO SHOWER NEIL
This is the one guy on your team who never showers after games, but stays for three hours to drink beer. In the rare instances he does shower, he wears shorts into the shower stall or maneuvers his towel like a burlesque show. My guess is that these guys either have embarrassingly small penises or mangled junk. “Mangled Junk” will be the name of my next band.
PLAYER COACH CURT
No matter what level of Beer League you play, the guy who runs the team always has four things in common. He fronts all the money, he brings the beer, he has the nicest equipment and he’s the absolute worst player on the team. When you’re fronting thousands of dollars for the league fee and you supply booze, it’s hard to be cut from the roster.
If any of these players are your teammates, or worse, your linemates, take solace that you are not alone. If you diligently read through this article and didn’t recognize one of players on this list, congratulations, you’re probably that player.
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