Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: In Top Gun Maverick decides to play sand volleyball in jeans and then head over to Charlie’s place for a first date and asks to use her shower. Clearly Mav has some decision making problems. How would you react knowing that some dude you are going to go on a first date with: 1. wore jeans to play sand volleyball on a 90+ degree day 2. asked to shower at your place at the beginning of the date (not the end)?
A: You need to shower at my place before the date? I’m not going to ask questions. I stopped asking questions a long time ago. Yes, it’d be super odd and I would give the guy shit, but I’d rather you shower than knowingly smell during the date. But wearing jeans to play sand volleyball screams “I have no idea how to live life and have all my priorities mixed up.” If you can be THAT comfortable in a completely and undeniably uncomfortable situation, then that is all I need to know. Stage 5 creep status.
Q: As a sports chick, do you prefer a bush, landing strip, or to be cleanly shaven? (this was sent in from someone named Dream Machine, no joke)
A: Let me just say, I’m surprised it took this long for someone to send a question like this. I think some of you assume I am this super masculine, tomboy who looks more like a burnt out Queen Latifah than a magical unicorn. I promise that is not the case. Like, even though I’m a sports chick, I’m still a girl. I like the color pink, and I wear heels almost every day, and I do my hair, and I love leopard print, etc. So I promise I am not a dude-girl, I just like a lot of dude things. Taking that into consideration, if the scale is 1 to Troy Polamalu, I’m in Chinese waxing room taking shots with Kaner.
Q: Rank these things: Pardon the Interruption, Stadium Nachos, a guy driving a Prius, drinking Miller High Life, Zoolander, and Bryce Harper.
1. Stadium nachos
2. Bryce Harper
3. Drinking a Miller High Life
4. Pardon the Interruption
6. a guy driving a Prius
Q: Now that it’s summer time ladies all around town are wearing dresses. If there’s even the slightest bit of wind and they are walking into it something magical happens where their dress decides to move inward and take the shape of what is the outline of their…umm…pelvic region. Urban dictionary calls this a Windgina. Are girls aware of this phenomenon? It seems like this is the new camel toe.
A: I didn’t know this situation had a specific name, but otherwise don’t get me started. First off, I don’t wear a ton of summer dresses because they are way too popular and that makes me nervous, but how would you not notice that? If girls, and I know most do, avoid camel toes at all cost, they need to do the same with their dresses. I refuse to believe they are unaware. It must be a classic case of reality versus personal perception.
Q: Since you dig sports so much and aren’t like most girls does that mean that you aren’t a fan of sappy movies like The Notebook or stuff staring Sarah Jessica Parker?
A: Correct. I’m no Ebert (RIP), but I personally find movies like that to be depressing and unrealistic. I’ve seen most of them (because SURPRISE I am an actual girly kind of girl and do have actual female friends), but I’m more of a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Dazed and Confused, Dark Knight, Almost Famous type of person. I hear enough about break ups and shopping and such in my real life, so that is not a form of entertainment for me.
Q: Dudes who own a motorcycle. On an awesomeness/hotness scale of 1-10, where does it fall? Does it matter if it’s a crotch rocket vs a Harley?
A: On an awesomeness/hotness scale of 1-10, you get a 5 for being completely unoriginal. I couldn’t care less if you own a motorcycle or a crotch rocket. If you have one, whatever, that’s cool and good for you. But if you bring it up to me mid-convo and try to show off, it only makes you look like a tool bag. No one cares about motorcycles, it isn’t 1999 and I don’t live in Arizona. And if you have one and you love it, I’m not knocking you. Do your thing, cowboy. I’m just saying I genuinely don’t care so please don’t make me talk about it.
Q: Tell us something funny that you’ve seen or has happened to you in Wrigleyville before, during, or after a Cubs game.
A: What haven’t I seen in Wrigleyville is the real question. The worst have to be:
- Saw someone do coke off a bar in the middle of the day during t-box (not a Cubs game but receives an honorable mention considering the circumstances).
- A girl threw up all over her friends, also in the middle of the day before an afternoon game.
- Was at an evening Cubs game and saw a guy who was so drunk he peed his pants.
- A CTA bus getting complete shaken/rattled by Blackhawks fans after the Cup win (also not a Cubs game but totally awesome).
Q: Fair or foul: an autographed Steeler helmet on the living room mantel? (From Boomer Graham)
A: This is completely fair. Where else would it be? I think all sports gear, including autographed helmets, are conversation pieces. If your team is that important to you then it should be apparent from the moment you enter the room. Even if I hate your team, I love a true fan.
Want to see something embarrassing? Until just recently, the fireplace in my bedroom looked like this:
And that does not even include the other corner that was devoured by Chicago Bulls gear. My life is a joke.
Bacon + Beer + Sports = the Greatest Celebration to ever hit Chicago. Get ready to have your mind blown!
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