Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: My girlfriends and I have a long running argument going about which sports uniforms are the sexiest. I contend it’s baseball. Matt Harvey + tight pants = heaven. They say it’s basketball. We’ve agreed to let you end the argument. Which sports uniform is the sexiest?
A: Well it’s not basketball uniforms. I’m a chick but I played basketball for 7 years and let me tell you I’ve never felt less sexy than in my uniform. So I agree with you and am going with baseball uniforms on this one. Although you get to see some great asses during the beauty that is the NFL season, the game is way too intense and emotional for me to focus on it or even find it important. Since I’m a sad Cubs fan, I’m 100% down with watching Anthony Rizzo walk around in tight pants since there isn’t much else going on during the game anyway.
Q: Guys and sports movies are synonymous. Everybody has their favorite. I would love to hear a woman/chick’s take on this. What’s your favorite sports movie?
A: My answer to this question will get just as much backlash as my “eat steak medium” answer, but my favorite sports movie is The Sandlot. “But Taina there are so many better sports movies out there! You are an idiot.” I know this already. My second favorite is The Mighty Ducks if that helps my case. But Sandlot is amazing! Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez will always hold a special place in my heart. And I’ll forever have a small amount of hatred towards Scotty Smalls because how do you NOT know who “The Babe” is? I mean COME ON.
Q: First off, I love you. Secondly, my fiance is from Wisconsin and a huge Packers fan. I’m Chicago born and bred and naturally a huge Bears fan. This has caused a sometimes volatile rift in our relationship. Is there any hope for us moving forward and what can we do to keep the fist-fights to a minimum?
A: So sweet. Pretty sure the only time I’ve heard that in my life is when it has come from my parents—so I love you too! And this is a great question! Don’t think I could ever be with someone who was a fan of certain teams (I have a short list which is another discussion of its own), so props to you for accepting her just the way she is.
Anyway, you should be thankful she even likes sports. As you probably know, I’m NOT a Packers fan, and the only NFC team I will consistently cheer for is the Bears, but everyone knows female Packers fans are basically dudes. AMIRIGHT?!
No but seriously, it adds a little spice to your relationship and keeps it interesting. But one thing I’d strongly suggest is to make sure you each watch your own teams separately. You don’t want to have to see the future mother of your children wearing a cheesehead or crushing beer cans on her head so keep your distance on Sacred Football Sundays/Mondays/Thursdays for the sake of not wanting to murder each other. Good luck!
Q: I was almost hit walking on a sidewalk last night by a hipster on a bicycle. I’m ready to start shoving sticks into spokes and measuring distance of flight. What’s your take on these douchetards?
A: For those of you who do not live in Chicago, let me clarify that in the city you have to ride your bike on the street with street traffic. It is basically illegal to ride on the sidewalks, and even worse than being illegal it is annoying as shit. There are dedicated bike lanes EVERYWHERE and you still feel the need to ride on the sidewalk? I hate you. And don’t get me started on these damn Divy bikes or whatever. It is so cool that people are “green” and “fit” and it makes total sense for some commutes, but if you are on the sidewalk riding and I have anything in my possession to throw at you, there is a 95% chance I will do it. GTFO.
Q: PED’s are ruining baseball (in my opinion). Do you think they should be made legal and just level the playing field?
A: No because then what would the media talk about for 24 hours straight, 7 days a week, for the 6 months following a single controversy? Don’t be selfish!
Q: My good friend still asks pro athletes for autographs. I think it’s rude and childish. Is there any circumstance that its ok to approach an athlete for an autograph? is there a double standard for women?
A: It’s okay to ask an athlete for autographs if you’re in the right setting. For example, do not approach an athlete for an autograph in the middle of their dinner out with their significant other. That is annoying and you are annoying. But if it’s a casual encounter or something and it seems laid back, I don’t think it’s rude. You just have to try to not be an idiot about it.
And there is absolutely a double standard for most women. Crazy sports fans (regardless of sex) will get treated as such, but a pretty semi-sports fan who may or may not know what athlete she is talking to will probably get better treatment.
Side story: I’m more of a picture person. And one time I was staying in the same hotel as the Steelers (total coincidence) during a preseason game, and I was waiting for an elevator with Santonio Holmes (pre-Superbowl win) and I asked for a photo, and he laughed (a full on, head cocked back laugh) and said no. Not even kidding. So I don’t think the double standard applies to freaks like myself.
Q: How would you, the beautiful and knowledgeable sports chick, attempt to pick up an athlete after a game?
A: I wouldn’t. You don’t talk to athletes after a loss because instead they should be reflecting on what they could have done differently. And after a win, they will get prime JC’s (jersey chasers), which is good for them considering they won’t want to talk about sports anyway.
I’ll be honest right now and tell you straight up that I have ZERO game. I’m an asshole and I think I’m funny sometimes, so I will attempt to be myself but most of the time being myself gets me nowhere. If you have any suggestions on me trying to pick up guys, please let me know like… four years ago. Maybe I will try out the FL this weekend as a social experiment (if you don’t know what the FL is listen to our podcast from this week and let me know what you think.)
Q: You’re on an elevator with JJ Watt and Jimmy Butler. Who do you make out with first?
A: First, I start having a panic attack and get pictures with both and ask Jimmy how Thibs is doing. And then I proceed to make out with JJ Watt.
For the record, I am obsessed with Jimmy Butler as an athlete and I love him and am so excited to see him take on a larger role in our organization, especially with Derrick back (and have you seen this kid play defense!?!), but I am not into him physically. On the other hand, I am in love with JJ Watt. Not only is he a complete stud athlete with HOF level athletic ability, but he is a total smoke show. He is infatuating for straight, female sports fans.
Q: Worst 5 starting QB’s in the NFL?
A: Please remember that this is my opinion and I’m openly biased. I know this is up for debate, but in no particular order, here is what I’m thinking.
- Christian Ponder
- Mark Sanchez
- Blaine Gabbert
- Kevin Kolb
- TIE: Tomo Romo/Carson Palmer
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