Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: Michael Jordan dunked at the age of 50. The dunk looked like something that Brittney Griner would do. I still eat, sleep, and breath MJ despite being in my 30’s. How should I feel about this? It’s nice to know that he can still dunk but the dunk was lamer than Brent Barry taking off from the free throw line twice in the same dunk contest.
A: Relax, homie. MJ still has it. He was playing against a 12 year old kid and if he would have owned him like he should have, people would be saying how inappropriate it was. Anyone and everyone can tell he put zero effort into that dunk. I’m sure even at 50 he would be able to challenge some of the best. Jordan can do no wrong!
Speaking of dunks, my friend Mac sent me this video of this amazing 7th grader and so I have to share it now that we are kind of/sort of on topic. I know Michael is a God, and being from Chicago I believe in that stronger than most, but this video should be getting way more press than MJ’s dunk because, well, see for yourself.
Is that not one of the best things you have seen this week? It gave me goosebumps!
Q: How do you like to sneak booze into a stadium?
A: Considering it took a few times of getting kicked out of Wrigley for bringing in a flask, I’ve gotten better at this over the years. Depending on the venue, a pat down consists of your legs and waist, which makes me a big fan of the plastic water pouches. Fill that bad boy up with your favorite booze and put it in the back of your waistband (yes, which means by your ass). When you get in the stadium get a cup from somewhere and then when you’re in the bathroom or at your seat fill up the cup. This concept is fairly simple if you don’t act like a complete moron about it.
I’ve been looking into purchasing this awesome/horrible thing called the Wine Rack Bra. Don’t know if you’ve heard of it but it basically fills up your bra with a shit ton of alcohol and it’s perfect for sporting events and concerts because the chances of someone patting down your boobs at the door is slim. When I buy it I will make sure I let you know how it turns out.
Q: Rumor has it you don’t watch Breaking Bad. Please tell me that you’ve got a good excuse for this.
A: I don’t make excuses for my behavior. Multiple people have told me it’s amazing and I would be obsessed. Definitely plan on watching it sooner or later, but it just gets to the point where I’m so far behind I don’t have the time or energy to sit and catch up for 19 hours (especially in the fall because of this thing called football, not sure if you’ve heard of it). Nothing personal, Breaking Bad fans, that’s just life. I should have looked into this after The Cup since I have had nothing to be invested in until training camp started last month, but no one even brought it up. So it’s kind of your guys’ fault.
Q: A Giants fan threw a banana at the Orioles Adam Jones. What would be the fruit that you’d least want thrown at you if you were in the outfield?
A: Probably a pineapple.
Q: Jason Dufner is my new favorite athlete for getting some ass grab action from on his wife on camera after winning the PGA Championship. As a single guy how can I best incorporate this into my game at the bar this weekend?
A: You are not Jason Dufner. You are also not married. So please do not grab girls’ asses. It will in no way positively contribute to your life. I don’t get offended easily, but if a random guy grabbed my ass at the bar you can guarantee I would embarrass the shit out of him. If you are happy with your life and okay with being a complete asshole and still want to move forward with your horrible plan, can you at least make sure you know the girl? Make sure it’s a current hook up or an old fling. Or at the very, very, very least, make sure it’s a girl who you have been talking to for several hours.
Q: I just starting hooking up with a chick and every time we’ve “practiced making babies” we’ve done it at my place. She has been known to send provocative selfies to me and each time they are shot in her bedroom mirror. Each time I notice that her room is terribly messy. I know, why am I focusing at that? Let’s say that I’ve got a strong attention to detail. I like when a girl is dirty (like “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”) but not actually dirty (like Moises Alou pissing on his hands). What’s a brotha to do?
A: You’re complicated. Call up the guy from last week who talked about a monster truck rally first date and become best friends with him. I understand your attention to detail and I think it’s a common misconception that all girls are super clean and tidy, but you aren’t marrying this girl. You’re literally just hooking up with her at this point, right? I think you’re overanalyzing it a little bit. Just continue to bring her back to your apartment and don’t ask questions about her place if you’re that worried about it.
Q: Give us 3 random athletes. Step yo game up.
A: Maurice Clarett, Rik Smits, Anderson Hernandez.
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